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Ben Paddon

Joined May 2009 and calls BenPaddon.net home.

81 stories, 2 challenges, 70 comments, and 26 friends

British-born writer and geek humorist living and working in Los Angeles, California.

I’m the writer and host of PortsCenter (http://portscenter.tv/), the co-creator and co-writer of Dalek Gary (http://twitter.com/dalekgary), the co-creator and Head writer for scifi-comedy webcomic “Jump Leads” (jump-leads.com), and the co-writer of Left 4 Dead parody webseries “Boomer’s Day Off” (benpaddon.net/boomers-day-off/).

You can find my old ficlets here – http://ficlets.ficly.com/authors/benpaddon

Stories

  1. Toodeloo, Hulu [Jacquelyn Hyde Challenge]

    Hey Hulu, could you come in here a minute? These days you’re always buffering. Is your heart really in it? I tried to stay commited when you lost Jon and Colbert, But when I want to watch 30 Rock you’re never there for me. I’m telling...

  2. A Load of Crap (Mature)

  3. Who's There (Mature)

  4. The Magician

    They say that sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. So when Lland was confronted by a man who claimed to be a magician… well, he made the only conclusion he could. “I’m definitely a magician,” insiste...

  5. Accidents in the Workplace (Mature)

  6. A Conversation About Writer's Block

    Darren looked at his typewriter. The blank sheet of paper set in the machine stared back at him tauntingly. No, accusingly. This was angry paper, but its anger couldn’t match Darren’s frustration. His eyes flitted across the desk to his wri...

  7. Car Trouble

    It was a long dirt road. It was the middle of the night. The moon hung ominously against the blue tapestry of the night sky. The air tasted stale, and not without a hint of dust and sand. I was standing at the front of the car, hood popped, staring int...

  8. Upon Reflection (Mature)

  9. This Blouse Had Better Not Be Dry Clean Only

    So when I tell you what it was that made me jump… well, promise you won’t laugh, okay? My ego is fragile. I’ve already made it clear that I’m mistrusting and a little paranoid. It shouldn’t shock you to learn that I’...

  10. Body of Evidence

    Some people like to start the day with a jog, but Leonard Dickens had decided to mix things up that morning by exploding instead. A Response Unit was there when I arrived, collecting what they could find of his body and putting them into little plastic...

  11. Summer Wedding

    “When will you pop the question?” he asks me. We’re sitting around a table in the bar nearest the office, celebrating what must be the fifth engagement of the year. Nearly every other man at the table is married, engaged, or divorced ...

  12. Unfortunately He'd Left His Benadryl At Home

    Lawrence would often tell people he was allergic to being harpooned through the chest with a spear, but noone believed him until that night.

  13. DOOM!

    I knocked on the door. Nothing. I knocked again, and the nothing continued, uninterrupted. “Hello?” called. Only silence answered. I turned the handle and walked in. The room was dark – the lights were off, the curtains were pulled, i...

  14. Wise Man Seeks Similar

    Bill was distracted from the rolling of his joint by a strange sight off in the sky. “Hey fellas,” he said, a look of shock and fret upon his face. “D’you see that?” “See what?” asked Eddies. “That! There...

  15. On Self-Doubt

    Sitting in the dark. Occasionally they ask, “Have we shown our worth?” But no answer ever comes. And no answer ever will.

  16. The Doom That Came To Dinner

    “I’ve been reading the Necronomicon,” said Mark, examining with great curiosity the sushi dish that had been placed on the table in front of him. He’d never seen sushi before, and he wasn’t sure whether to eat it or dissec...

  17. Might As Well Face It

    It happened when I was 15. It happened because she happened. Her name was Heather, and she was everything. She was smart, pretty, playful, fun… she was incredible. In a school filled with kids all trying to fit in and Be Popular she somehow manag...

  18. We All Fall Down

    Most of the staff, content with the Godly coffee available in the kitchen, had long since abandoned Starbucks and had forgotten what their coffee tasted like (for the record, it tastes like the charred remains of the concept of what coffee might have b...

  19. The Masks We Wear

    I have never hidden myself from her. Not once. That is, above all things, pretty damned impressive. I usually do all I can to hide the Real Me from view around anyone. I always worry that if people see the Real Me for just one moment, they will be repu...

  20. In A Hurry To Stay Young

    In his dreams he pushes back. He is eleven years old. His world has changed so much, his understanding of his place within it crumbling away. A few weeks ago he would have been playing games on the playground. Now, because of some understanding between...

  21. Spheres

    He climbed atop his Quantum Glider, pushed the key into the ignition, and turned it. The sound could be heard for miles, echoing, distorting the landscape around it. And then, with a twist of the throttle, he was away, bound for new worlds full of new ...

  22. Where Would You Like To Go Today?

    I’ve used any number of internal computer systems before, all with silly acronym names. Names like SABS, or SMS, or SAP, and so on. This system had a similar name: LCARS, although Kat says that the person who designed it had long ago left the com...

  23. Welcome to The Company

    The memo was jocular, friendly, coherent, pleasant. It outlined my importance, my value within the company. It had jokes in it that made fun of my immediate supervisor, the CEO of the company, the company itself and stockholders. It had the warmth of a...

  24. The Elephant Man

    “Right, so, let me get this straight,” said Annabelle. “You want me to go and live in the mansion on the hill.” “Yeah,” said her Father. “You want me to go up there and live with… some guy?” “...

  25. You've Got Mail

    There was something untrustworthy about him. I didn’t like it. I hadn’t liked any of it so far, in fairness, but this little man rubbed me the wrong way. He was smiling, oh, he was smiling, but I was certain that underneath that smile lay t...

  26. Nobody Here Has Ever Seen The Message "PC LOAD LETTER"

    Perhaps even more alarming than all of these things was the photocopier. One of the unbreakable laws of Office Physics is that the photocopier cannot, under any circumstances, copy any amount of paper for any great length of time. It’s just not d...

  27. An Invitation

    My mind is a mess, but I think that I’d like to let you peek inside.

  28. Over My Head (Mature)

  29. Today's The Day...

    There comes a time in everyone’s life where you have to retrace your steps and work out exactly how things went so horribly, terribly, irreparably wrong. Dylan knew exactly where this had occurred. It had started with the words, “Let’...

  30. Haiku

    Sometimes I feel trapped. Oh, but then I realise this is what I want.

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