I’m no cultural goat, devouring everything.
Stories
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The Process of Accessing One's Benefits
I like to imagine a lever. The lever is connected to a spigot. From the spigot flows cash money. I am one of few entitled to collect from this spigot. Before I can pull that lever, I must pull three other levers. Each of those levers is connected to tw...
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"Idealogues and Iconoclasts: My Time With Quid" pg. 232
the summer of 2078. It was at this point that Quid admitted to me that he had spent his life accumulating relationships with various women because he was incapable of maintaining any friendships unless there was some degree of sexual attraction, howeve...
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Amalgamishmashion 2: The Machinimishmashioning
He checked the rigging on their sub-orbital schooner one last time; Sergeant Zombie knew that these synthetic hyper-nylon ropes could snap without any warning, and send tesseracts skittering about the superdeck like angry spiders- from the future. R...
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The Meaning of Loss
I used to wonder where the clouds go. I didn’t notice for years that I had stopped asking that question. Slowly, my inquiry drifted over the horizon. I looked away for a moment; when I looked back, it was gone. There were long, legato notes, beau...
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The Ways in Which We Are
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Proctology, c. 2357
“How was your vacation in the Horsehead Nebula?” “It was pretty good until I caught Double Ebola.” “That sounds unpleasant.” “Yeah. The only symptom to speak of is hyperdiarrhea.” “Hyperdiarrhea....
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The Change
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War Stories
We were sitting at a table, four men from four wars. Orville told us about D-Day, how he ran up the beach, terrified that any of the Germans in their pillbox would see him and decide they didn’t like the look of him. John told us about a friend i...
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Strive
There’s a THUMP, but I feel more than hear it, because I’m already gone, faster than the sound can catch me. I try as hard as I can in this first burn, climbing into the sky with just a hint of the light that’s coming. I’m slowe...
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HOLY SHIT, ZOMBOTS
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Beholder
Jack lost his virginity with the day manager at Bojangles’. She was on break; he was supposed to be cleaning the store’s grease trap, though it could easily be argued that’s exactly what he was doing. Women always did like Jack. Five ...
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The Wordmines of Mt. Expository
Gug pushed cart down tunnel. Boss says need articles, so he went to get articles.
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Sartorobot
Frank had an idea while he was unloading the new shipment at Finnigan’s Menswear. They told him there’s no market for clothes that also recharge one’s batteries.
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The Last Season
The men in silver clothes and pointed hats came first to take our wives. The old ones sent our peace-man, the one who talks to the other tribes, to the men in silver clothes. Our peace-man, who told us that this season was ours to hunt the northern for...
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The Irish Catholic
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Secret Mullets
A beat up old Camaro pulls up to the gas station, playing Bon Scott-era AC/DC, and a beat up old dude gets out. He was wearing clothes, I’m certain, but all I remember is his hair. His hair was a monster of a mullet. It was like if Jesus had a mu...
