Don't Go Down To The Bottomless Lake Today

Avatar Author: thelostgirl I'm now a third year English student (!) studying at Queens University, Belfast, and hoping to do my masters in Creative Writing. I (still) love the works of Neil Gaiman and Diana Wynne-Jones and generally spend my studen... Read Bio

The gardens were beautiful at this time of year. The flowers were like a rainbow fallen to earth and the air was heavy with their scent. It took an army of gardeners to maintain the acres of lawn but it was worth it.

Juno did not often come to the gardens but today she had no other choice. She walked along a path between two tall hedges, her heels clicking loudly on the stone ground. Ahead of her was an artificial lake ringed by weeping willows. Their drooping branches rested on the surface of the water.

“I know you’re here Gorm.” Juno’s voice drifted across the lake. She had only to wait a moment before the surface of the water broke. A vast serpent rose out of the lake and towered over her. It had a face like a cat fish, all whiskery and gape mouthed.

“You’ve been eating visitors again haven’t you?” Juno said.

“And what of it? You are powerless to stop me just as your father before you.” Gorm lowered his head until he was only inches away from Juno’s face. “Or have you forgotten how I killed him?”

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Comments (18 so far!)

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  1. Avatar scratch'n'scrawl

    ooohhh…

    I’m not a lover of fantasy-type genres, but this is a beaut piece. Very descriptive, and really brings you into the story because of the wonderful tapestry painted.

    I want to know what happens after this now…I hope someone sequelises it.

  2. Avatar Reverend Speed

    Dug this HEAVILY until the very last line. “Is that so?” and recourse to armaments after the beautiful, elaborate setup seems a little disappointing.

    You might as well threaten to drain the lake. We’ve been looking for somewhere to put a new shed for the gardners… =)

    Atmospheric, vivid, leading the reader from description to description and sneaking in the character expos with it. Fun times.

    Man, I hate out-of-five systems. But, I guesss… a high-four?

  3. Avatar thelostgirl

    Hmm, that’s a good point actually, the last line really doesn’t fit with the rest of the story. Might have to do a little editing.

    I do like the idea of draining the lake to make more room for the gardiners though ;)

  4. Avatar Nouvelle Bardot

    very lovely, dark piece.

  5. Avatar kaellinn18

    Apparently, I got to your entry after your edit, so I don’t see what the good Reverend is referring to. I thought this piece was fantastic (no pun intended). Your setting is beautiful, and that one word “artificial” is just the key to the piece for me, though you may not have intended it. It makes me think that the serpent is prisoner here.

    One minor edit you need to make: “visitor’s” should not have an apostrophe. But that minor quibble won’t reduce my rating.

  6. Avatar kaellinn18

    Also, “artifical” should be “artificial.”

  7. Avatar Abstract Rorschach

    I crave more, I tell you! MORE!

  8. Avatar thelostgirl

    @kaellinn glad you enjoyed it so much. The minor changes have been made.

    @Abstract Rorschach I crave more too! But someone else will have to sequel it, as per challenge rules. I might seqel it myself though when the challenge is over :)

  9. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    This is quite an epic set -up! And I am sure she feels some anger at the loss of her father, so I vote salting the water, though it may kill some of the garden plants, at least no other worms would come and take up residence..

  10. Avatar nagi_schwarz

    I totally did dig the fantasy set-up. The lovely gardens were described vividly. I thought the scene was pleasant and perhaps Juno had a friendly, if oddly antagonistic relationship with Gorm, and the threat at the end just sort of ruined the idyllic fantasy of the scene. Nevertheless, you created a pretty good hook for either a sequel or a prequel.

  11. Avatar Mostly Harmless

    Almost dream-like. Has this rare and wonderful quality where because the description is so rich and textured it can be read on so many levels – the ‘artificial’ lake, the foreboding ‘drooping’ of the weeping willows, all make up an incredibly immersive world.

    May I also just say, having returned to Ficly following what must be a 2 month hiatus, it seems like the standard of reviewing is immense! Very detailed and helpfully critical – God it’s good to be back!

  12. Avatar stargazer1960

    Your descriptions are very good. You certainly accomplish a lot of imagery with the characters you have.
    I find I am intrigued enough to want more.

  13. Avatar Abby Wall (LoA)

    aaaw i would have liked to sequel this one. Very well written and full of beautiful textures!

  14. Avatar Alex Pope

    “You’ve been eating visitors again haven’t you?” – classic Fantasy comedic tension-breaking line. Nice set up – although the fallen rainbow… not sure… might be a bit overthetop there, but I ain’t complainin’ – I really like the rebuild of the tension (even though we “know” it can’t be as frightening as it would have been without the tension-breaker)

  15. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    Nice job on all the sensory detail in the early part. It set the mood and you got a bit more story going along.

  16. Avatar Wanda McGritty

    Gorm is intense! Damn!

    I like the high contrast (yet timeless classic) of lovely garden and evil, giant, killer snake. It has that abrupt dismissal of preconceptions that happens with interesting fantasy. It’s deliberate and just a smidge twisted.

    Good work- it fits the challenge really well.

  17. Avatar quipsofthequill

    Love, love, love, love it! I am a fantasy person, I must admit, but this just draws you in.

    Gorm is bad to the bone. :)
    Wonderful imagery in the first 2 paragraphs.

    Beautifully written. Can’t wait to read more.

  18. Avatar D.S. Aly

    Definitely reading on!

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