I deserve love too!!!

Avatar Author: scratch'n'scrawl An Aussie infatuated, no, obsessed with spreading his artistic wings and creating whenever possible, is enjoying taking on the challenge of trying to hold a pen and write interesting stories...with wings. Read Bio

As Dorothea looks at me, very non-committally, just like the previous three times that day, I cannot help but wonder if it will ever change. There’s obviously something there, otherwise she wouldn’t repeatedly focus on me, even though each instance is only for a split second, as if she is simply using me, perusing me for her particular pleasure, and then turning away swiftly, to tease me.

I watch her go about her business day in and day out, admiring her slender waist, and the marvellous curves of her magnificent hips, even if she does wear a very unflattering smock or apron-type garment most days. Her calves are more beautiful than the most ornate marble legs of any piece of furniture ever created. And her hair is lush and full of life as it shines and bounces whilst she darts around in full view.

It’s always most painful when Steve enters, like clockwork, every afternoon and wraps his arms around her and kisses her.

Her lack of consideration for me, her reliable kitchen wall clock, drives me insane!

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Comments (10 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Reverend Speed

    “Your calves are more beautiful than furniture legs.” I’ll try that one, some time. It’s better than my usual lines. =)

    So – a household appliance with a taboo fetish for people! Have to wonder when the kitchen stove will get tired trying to set him up on dates with that saucy little frying pan on the far wall…

    Fun little story – and it IS a story, with a beginning, development and end – that’s clearly told with an emphasis on showing, not telling… in most places.

    Perhaps you could rework the second paragraph as observations as Dorothea works, having the descriptions of her fall naturally from the descriptions of her tasks? Just seems a little clunky as it is right now.

    A low five. Great work, man. =)

  2. Avatar Nouvelle Bardot

    ha! a clock! love this.

  3. Avatar thelostgirl

    I love the first paragraph, the disection of her glance, what it could mean and how the clock interprets it.

    I have to admit though, I had to read this again and the comments, to get that it’s told from the perspective of the kitchen clock but that could just be me being a ditz.

    I think reverend speed has a good point about the second paragraph.

    All in all, a wonderfully creative piece. As usual :)

  4. Avatar kaellinn18

    What really makes this piece for me is that it’s completely relatable, despite being told from the point of view of a kitchen clock. I’m sure there are many people (like myself) who have sometimes felt like nothing but an object to the person who does not return their affection. Very well done!

  5. Avatar Horrorfan13

    This was great. This was just another longing for a love you can’t have story until it was revealed that it was the clock! It gives it a whole different perspective once that fact is revealed. Good job!

  6. Avatar Abby (LoA)

    I think this is very clevery written and I like it.

  7. Avatar Abby (LoA)

    Adding a longer comment because my last one wasn’t satisfactory-
    I have a large hate of too many commas in stories. My rule is to count the words, divide by ten and have no more than that many commas. Of course this is not possible in many situations and, although you break my fussy little rule, I think your first para works well.

    Perhaps it was my stupidness or the fact that I had got up early (midday – I’m a teenager) but I had to read it a couple of times to get it.

    Still, I agree with my last comment – it is a work of genius and you have done very well =D

  8. Avatar Mostly Harmless

    Very well written, and wins two big trophies:

    Trophy No. 1) A strong story throughout, even though essentially it hinges on that final line. Slick.

    Trophy No. 2) Has the elusive ’even-better-second -time-through factor. Slicker.

    My only qualm is that I don’t think that last line is actually as well-written as it could be -it’s a reveal, but it doesn’t feel as smooth as I think it could… Very good overall though! MH:)

  9. Avatar Wanda McGritty

    I’m pretty much on the same page as MH, better read the second time, abrupt reveal.

    I love your first paragraph. I thought the narrator was hung up on his co-worker. It’s just a really pretty, tragic story.

    Maybe throw in more foreshadowing in the second and third paragraph about timepieces. I have confidence in your cleverness, particularly since you came up with an unrequited love story staring a kitchen clock. Well done.

  10. Avatar quipsofthequill

    I really like how you don’t realize it’s a clock until the end. It hits you and it’s great.

    I agree with Wanda, some foreshadowing would be nice. A little taste, just to get us wondering “hmm”.

    Lovely imagery.

    Great read.