Avatar Author: Marie Harkins All you need to know about me is I love to write stories and I am a survivor of ficlets!!! Okay, it's been nearly five years since I last visited this site and I just found it again. I think I'm going to start doing a ... Read Bio

My nose burned. The smell was horrid. I opened my eyes to a sight I was all to familiar with. A stone floor, scattered with filth, greeted me. Rats scampered across the area right beside my head. I took a breath and coughed, the air was terribly polluted and stale. I sat up, my clothes and what skin was exposed was cavered in a layer of grime and dirt. My eyes burned from the toxic air. Footsteps, somebody was coming to my cell.

I crawled on my hands and knees to the corner that was shrouded in shadow. The footsteps grew louder I squashed myself up against the wall, my knees brought up to my chest. I was tired of the pointing, the laughing. When they spoke to me they spoke as if speaking to an animal. The footsteps stopped they’d reached my cell.

“Come here.” The guard I knew as Hauliffe barked. I didn’t move, I was cemented to the floor. “I said come here!” He moved, covering the distance in three long strides. He grabbed my arm, jerking me from the ground, he drug me into the torch-lit hallway.

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Comments (2 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Mostly Harmless

    It might not work as a standalone story, but as an opening to something it works – although it needs polishing:

    Make sure all your grammar’s perfect! Check there are spaces between all words (Theguard), ensure no words are unneccessarily capitalised (“I said Come Here!”) and all sentences should read well – the last sentence is an example of where punctuation would greatly help…

    The range of vocabulary and word choice is generally strong, but perhaps change the second use of ‘toxic’ in the first paragraph.

    Finally, the actual story is intriguingly and effectively ambiguous – DON’T LET THE TITLE LET YOU DOWN! It’s not very engaging, and gives too much away about the situation of your persona.

    I like this, honest, I just think you could have another crack at bits of it to make sure it’s as good as it can be :) MH

  2. Avatar SieRawr12

    Very good. I love the detail in it totally worthy of a 5 out of 5!