The Deal Is On Hold

Avatar Author: kaellinn18 Follow me on Twitter: I love to write. One of my life goals is to write a novel, but right now work, church, and family take up most of my spare time. This site helps me scratch that writi... Read Bio

“What have you got, Julio?” Detective Arlen Mills asked, meeting the officer at the top of the stairs. Julio Mendez fell into step beside him.

“A hotel maid heard gunfire coming from a room on the end. Called 911. I’ve never seen anything like this, sir. Based on the coke and cash we’ve recovered, it looks like your typical drug deal. Something must have gone wrong, though. Everyone pulled a gun.”

Mills cocked an eyebrow. “Sounds standard so far.”

“I think you should just see for yourself, sir.”

Mills nodded at the officer standing guard at the door and stepped inside.

Six men stood frozen at various spots around the room, faces contorted in anger, each with a pistol in hand. One man’s gun appeared to be stuck in the process of firing, muzzle flash attached to the end of the barrel, paused as if in a video game. Bullets hovered in the air, one an inch from a man’s face. Mills cautiously approached a suspect, waved his hand in front of the guy’s face. No response.

“Julio… what the hell is going on?”

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Comments (2 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Mostly Harmless

    Considering the nature of what’s happened, I don’t know whether Mendez would be quite so calm and collected… It’s quite the freaky crime scene after all!

    A good idea though, and well executed in that penultimate paragraph especially – although I think I would have the first sentence of that block as it’s own line, and possibly break the paragraph again at ‘Mills cautiously approached…’, for impact and tension-building really.

    Will look forward to seeing where this goes though – well done! MH :)

  2. Avatar kaellinn18

    I picture Julio as being in a state of denial in this opening piece. How does one react when confronted with the impossible? I’m sure it would be different for everyone. Julio is taking solace in the familiar.

    First sentence in the last paragraph has been split off. I didn’t think I had characters left to do that, but apparently I did. Thanks for the comments!

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