This Is Not A True Story...Part 1

Avatar Author: Hobohemian I like to write and read and all that jazz. English is the only thing I'm good at. I mean at all. There is not much to me if I take out the English part. Read Bio

I have always dreamt abut having my bedroom appear as a murder scene. I wanted to splatter red paint on my black and white striped walls. Of course, Mom said no. Little did she know that her blood would drench my walls.

My brothers and I have all considered murdering her from one point to another. I can’t believe it actually happened though. And Why would it? We all hated her, but she put bread on the table.

I have this obsession with creepy items, but only Bobby knew my bedroom idea. I haven’t seen him since he ran away in August. So I highly doubt he would have done it. He was free, so he wouldn’t have come back to risk his freedom.

This wasn’t exactly the kind of house an average person would want to live in. Everyday I come home from school to walk into a garbage dump. Mom is a hoarder to an extreme degree. Boxes upon boxes are stacked on eachother, leaving only a small walkway for moving about the house. Our living room is at the point of no return; nobody has waked in there since 2001.

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Comments (4 so far!)

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  1. Avatar kaellinn18

    This has some potential, but I think you need to do a little work to make it great. The biggest thing is that you start with the murder of the mother, but then you start talking about the house and life there, which reduces any tension you had created.

    I would recommend doing it in the reverse order. Talk about life with the mom, how she was a hoarder, how the sons all hated her, and then make the reveal that she’s been murdered. Doing it this way, you will slowly build up the tension and leave the reader wanting to know more.

  2. Avatar Mr.Gabriel

    I have to agree with Kaellinn. You could’ve reversed it and told it the opposite way to cause more tension.

    And Why would it? First, you shouldn’t start a sentence with “and” secondly, the “Why” didn’t need to be capitalized.

  3. Avatar Hobohemian

    Thank you for the advice. I’m really at a loss for how I’m supposed to write this. In my Creative Writing class, we are supposed to write a murder mystery. I have no idea how to write this hahah. So thank you to anyone who can give me some pointers.

  4. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    just cut out the foreshadowing “little did she know..” line. :) save that for the surprise, the action, the murder.