Avatar Author: Concerned Reader I ain't a writer right now, and I probably wont be one in the future, but I sure as hell enjoy the act of writing. I've only just started writing in the past few years, and even then have only produced short stories and s... Read Bio

I’ve got suicide on my mind.
It’s drifting through my thoughts.

I’ve got suicide on my mind.
Not my own, but yours.

I hope it solved your problems,
Because it’s left me with my own.

You’ve left me so many questions,
About why you had to go.

Was it all my fault?
Did I cause you to leave?

If I did, I didn’t mean it.
It wasn’t in my plans.

I’ve got suicide on my mind.
I don’t understand it.

Why would you just leave us,
to worry on our own?

Why didn’t we see it,
before you drowned your soul?

I’ve got to stop this thinking,
it’s driving me insane.

I’ve got suicide on my mind.
I’m your brother, all alone.

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Comments (6 so far!)

Average Reader Rating

  1. Avatar Mostly Harmless

    The reveal in the second stanza was powerful enough for me, but again in the last two lines? Really nice example of drip-feeding the reader the plot, which gave it a nice pace…

    You seemed to start with some kind of rhyme pattern between the last words of consecutive stanzas, but that was dropped pretty quickly – whether this was intended or not, it threw me a little – but still, with regards to content you got the emotion across well – good work! MH :)

  2. Avatar The Fantastic Mister Fish

    Wow. This is beautiful. I like the strange-(non existent?)-meter. My friend just committed suicide. This is a really good touch on the emotions I felt.

  3. Avatar Concerned Reader

    Thanks y’all. The stanzas were written so that if you take them by themselves, they sound like they belong within a poem, but placed together they feel separated. I meant it to help the loneliness feeling, but I’m not sure if it worked.

  4. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    Ouch, very effective, especially the repetition of the line about having suicide on your mind. Excellent depiction of the wonder and angst left in the wake of a suicide.

  5. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    The non-rhythmic repetition of the suicide line threw me at first, because it was asymmetrical, but I accepted it. It gave it more of a punch at the end and I’m glad you ended with it.

  6. Avatar Concerned Reader

    After talking to someone about this, we came to the conclusion that this was written by a dragon. Here’s the reasoning:
    Me- It sounds like he killed his sister’s rider for some reason, which caused her to commit suicide. And now he’s probably suicidal. Possibly because he doesn’t have a rider of his own either.

    Kyky- I think he killed his sister’s rider knowing she would commit suicide—which he regrets and is now admonishing himself for his evil deeds.

    So now i have to figure out how to write this into a short story. WOOO!

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