Retaliation

Avatar Author: Luke Nicolaou I'm an Australian student, finishing my final year of high school. I enjoy a good read, and like to try my hand at writing as well, but I never found a great outlet until now! Writing has always been an interest for me, b... Read Bio

I breathed heavily as I walked up to the door to school. Today was the day.

I was finally going to get my revenge. All those people that had picked on me, all those teachers that patronised me. I was going to teach them.

I entered the front doors. My hands began to shake. I wondered whether or not the guards at the metal detectors could hear my heartbeat. I had to move, or they would find it. The guards were too busy patting down the students who had set off the detectors to notice me reach under my shirt. I felt around for the grips and grasped them.

A huge surge of confidence ran through me like a jolt of electricity, as time seemed to slow down. I whipped out the two MAC 10 machine pistols and raised them to eye level. Everything seemed so unreal, like a dream. In a trance, I squeezed the triggers of the two guns as the people next to me began to scream as they saw the weapons. The narrow hall, clustered with people, became my killing ground.

Students ran in fear, screaming. This was my retaliation.

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Comments (6 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Mostly Harmless

    Considering this is quite a taboo subject matter, I think you handle it well here – I liked the irony that the first line could be typical of so many ‘teen drama opening lines’ – but then you go on to paint such a messed up character.

    Your tension building is skilful, though maybe some of the turns of phrase here were a little cliche – ‘time seemed to slow down’ and ‘my killing ground’ particularly.

    Other than this though, it was a suspenseful read with plenty of opportunity for continuation – good work – MH :)

  2. Avatar The Third Robot

    As much of a cliche as ‘time slowed down’ is, it’s exactly what that paragraph felt like. However, I think that you could have omitted that phrase completely because the way the rest of the paragraph is written. It would still seem to be slo-mo without having to have to tell the reader.

    But yeah… good intensity.

  3. Avatar The Third Robot

    As much of a cliche as ‘time slowed down’ is, it’s exactly what that paragraph felt like. However, I think that you could have omitted that phrase completely because the way the rest of the paragraph is written. It would still seem to be slo-mo without having to have to tell the reader.

    But yeah… good intensity.

  4. Avatar N. Robertson

    Not that I mind, but you might want to mark this mature.

  5. Avatar Luke Nicolaou

    Ah, I see why :) I didn’t realise just how taboo this subject was :S I’ll mark it.

  6. Avatar Kay-Teaze

    I really like this. You get inside the character’s mind really well. As others mentioned, a couple phrases seem a bit cliche, but otherwise, very good.

    Advise I got from a creative writing teacher: if the phrase comes too easily to you, there’s a good chance you need to change it.

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