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Sense and Census

Avatar Author: Robert Quick A no-name, aspiring author who can't stop writing. Looking ahead, he strives for perfection. Shackled by various forms of entertainment, he dreams of success. Most stories here are an invitation to YOU, to join me in cre... Read Bio

An old man, weather-beaten and sinewy, casually walked west toward the summer sunset. A young boy kicked up dust behind him, looking at the passing scenery with young eyes. He had never been this far from home before.

“Why do we have to go to the Capitol?” The boy asked.

“Tradition. Every seven years, someone from our family has made this trip and now that you’re old enough, it’s your turn. After all your mother is in no condition to travel right now.”

“I know. She’s preggerant.”

“Pregnant.” The old man corrected without judgment.

“Pregnant.” The boy repeated.

“You got it. Now where was I? Ah yes, I invited you, because seven years from now, you may have to make this trip alone and I wanted you to know the way.”

The boy digested the information and decided he didn’t like it.

“You’ll always be here to show me the way, right Grandpa?”

“Almost.” He said with a half-smile.

He sighed. “Then I have a lot to learn.”

Knowledge of the ages passed from one to the other, continuing on, the way it always had.

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Comments (7 so far!)

Average Reader Rating

  1. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    hm, the last sentence seems cheesy and forced and out of place. Something more sentimental perhaps.. Otherwise, great little dialogue!

  2. Avatar Bob Liddil

    The author’s descriptive abilities are superlative. The story itself is well written and poignant.

    Elisha is on target though. The last sentence is a Baby Ruth in the swimming pool (Caddyshack reference) and should be expunged, to be replaced by a more compatible sentiment.

    That said, were I an editor, I would put this author to work on assignment. He has “it.”

  3. Avatar Robert Quick

    I’ll edit this as soon as I can figure out how to continue the parallel without forcing it. Thank you for the assistance. Constructive criticism is worth more to me than general compliments.

  4. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    Knowledge of the ages passed from one to the other, continuing on, the way it always had.

  5. Avatar Robert Quick

    That sounds perfect. I’ll have to restructure a little to compensate for the character limit, but that was perfect. Thanks again!

  6. Avatar shadowlight

    I like the dialogue between the grandpa and grandson. The whole story has a pathos to it that tugs at the heart. I know I’m coming in late, but i have to agree with everyone else. The last sentence doesn’t quite work with the rest. Maybe something a little more detailed? Just a thought. Other than that I really liked this.

  7. Avatar Robert Quick

    Ok many edits were made, some more subtle than others. Thank you everyone for your help. Special thanks to ElshaHawk.