Sacrifice

Avatar Author: A Dabble of Thelonious Currently competing in a writer's block marathon. Please critique. I'm not in high school, my feelings won't get hurt. Read Bio

Propped against the crumbling wall of a makeshift trench, the rain washed over him. It poured over his upturned face and hid the tears, blood mingling with the water as it sluiced down into the mud.

For a moment, when the sharp crack of gunfire and dull thud of the mortars had stopped, he thought that he could hear the distinctive sound of imminent rescue. It was getting darker and the temperature was dropping, but the sound grew louder until it was all he could hear. He tried to turn his head, open his mouth, tell them that it was going to be OK.

In an important strategic valley that held nothing of value to anyone, the greatest poet the world would never know died.

View this story's details

Prequels

Oh no! This story doesn't have a prequel. Want to fill in the blanks and write one?

Write a Prequel

Sequels

Oh no! This story doesn't have a sequel. Want to fill in the blanks and write one?

Write a Sequel

Comments (7 so far!)

Average Reader Rating

  1. Avatar Druhim

    I like what you were trying to do, but unfortunately you’re only telling us he’s the greatest poet rather than showing us somehow that he’s the greatest poet. I don’t know how you’d do that in this format, but if you could it would have a much greater impact in my opinion.

  2. Avatar A Dabble of Thelonious

    I agree. I tried to do that in my first draft and it got awkward within the word limit. Still trying to figure that out.

  3. Avatar Bad Beat

    Really like this.

  4. Avatar Usagi

    I think this could work if you fleshed it out just a tiny bit more, like if you showed us his rain-soaked notebook of poetry or crumpled papers in his uniform pockets and a stubby pencil sharpened on rocks.

    Just needs a little something more, but good job!

  5. Avatar Centipede Damascus

    It’s a big idea, but it’s definitely a little too much concept. Why is it so important that this poet died? Even if he was the bestest ever, what made his life more important than the men who died with him?

  6. Avatar A Dabble of Thelonious

    In the first version I told the story of the other men there. However I had to do it in two sentences and really disliked it. I think that this idea might not fit with the word limit. Ah well. Thanks guys.

  7. Avatar lostsalient

    Well, everybody knows how much I love World War I, so I really enjoyed this (even if that wasn’t your intended backdrop). I think other people have pointed out the only real problem – I think the idea is too big for the word count. The last sentence feels a little abrupt, but the rest is great.

This story's tags are