Avatar Author: Spiderj A man who seeks refuge from boredom. Some challenges approach! Read Bio

Porn films are generally directed by a guy who looks like he couldn’t get laid in a brothel. He may have a grotesque piece of face foliage. He will almost certainly be sweating.

Never shake this man by the hand.

I know this. I know all there is to know about the industry. I’m a fucking pro.

Except this. This was new.

I arrived on set and the director, Manfred Ernst Lollycatcher, grabbed me by the hand, pumping it vigorously. Instinctively I wiped my palm on my trouser leg. Mistake. Beige slacks. Huge greasy stain.

“Oh, good to have you my man, good to have you.” He tugged at the small pubic nest hanging from his chin. “Now strip.”

“What. No preamble?” The wallpaper was visibly peeling and a damp patch above Manfred’s head bulged ominously. “By the way this is a shithole.”

“Forget shitholes. This is a whole different kind of filth.”

“I doubt it.”

And then my doubts evaporated. She walked in.

“Helen Mirren?” I looked at Manfred.

“That’s Dame Helen Mirren to you,” she smiled. “Shall we start?”

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Comments (9 so far!)

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  1. Avatar BA Boucher

    Wow, nice curveball.

    From what I hear about Ms. Mirren this might qualify as non fiction.

  2. Avatar BA Boucher

    Nice title by the way

  3. Avatar lostsalient

    My secret weakness is Helen Mirren! How did you know? Her porn would obviously be the classiest.

  4. Avatar jesteram

    Ah, I see how that third line can be taken two different ways. Clever, clever, you prolific arachnidj.

  5. Avatar MadAsAHatter

    Love it. The Helen Mirren curveball was priceless. I can just imagine the look on that man’s face…

  6. Avatar John Perkins

    Face foliage is a disturbing descriptor. Yet highly enjoyable.

    I love how it’s Dame Helen Mirren who does the correcting. I originally read it as Manfred doing the correcting, but it’s much classier with her doing it.

  7. Avatar Killjoy

    Class. Utter class.

    Also liked the pube-y bits.

  8. Avatar Spiderj

    jesteram – the height of my intellectual abilities is punning no the word ‘fucking’. I am pleased to see this acknowledged.

    I was kind of disappointed that the entire story rested on ‘the Helen Mirren curveball’, as it has been called (perhaps the name of a sequel?). Glad someone also enjoyed facial foliage.

  9. Avatar i, Coomber

    Have to admit the revelation does kind of hog the attention, but re-reading it reminds you of the great description as well.

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