Avatar Author: Allen Sale Creator of Astral Audio Productions; an audio drama group that has to be experienced. Introducing new artists, bands, and interactive content. Read Bio

There was something in the simplistic nature of hunter verses prey that delighted the shadows; their uniform goal to devour the light was evident in their hurried movements. Figures of indiscernible shape and unconstrained by the conventions of size made it doubly hard for their features to be seen. No way of knowing when or where the phantom assassins would strike next; such was the order of things. And yet, the orb hung in their midst; taunting them all with its brilliance.

A tendril of blackness would approach and be stabbed by a piercing shard of light. It didn’t just focus it’s attention on one assailant but multiple adversaries; the complexity of the dance was a marvelous stroke of utter genius.

The moon’s reflection on the water continued to play out the visual scene; the shadows failing to score with their “Death by a thousand cuts” strategy. It was a far contrast of the peace that enveloped the wooded clearing. Who knew that it foretold the coming turmoil. But for now, the moment was blissful.

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Comments (12 so far!)

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  1. Avatar jesteram

    I had to read through this twice to get it, but I think you effectively captured the jumble and toss of light reflected on rippling water—though there’s something more sinister going on here. Some of the language is a bit passive—you seem like you could write in a strong, active voice, though.

  2. Avatar Allen Sale

    The passive nature is done intentionally. I can’t spill the details but let’s just say, quiet before the storm. Think of the light as being observed; however, you dont know by what or whom.

  3. Avatar Stovohobo

    Nice descriptions. It captures the things we see going on every day in different terms. On the other hand, those terms are a little wordy in some places. Maybe a few too many illustrious words or adjectives. Shrug.

  4. Avatar Allen Sale

    See above. If you need to paint a picture, descriptions are your friend; especially since this may become an audio drama when complete. Thanks for the feedback.

  5. Avatar AdorableBlanket

    Riddled with spelling and punctuation errors, and it’s near inscrutable. What are you trying to say? Who is speaking to me? I’m sure there is something interesting to read here, but it’s clouded by deliberately obtuse language and poor grammar.

  6. Avatar Proctagon

    It seems very silly to obtusely point out that a “death by a thousand cuts strategy” is in play here. Leave the audience to interpret this on their own, or make it more subtle.

  7. Avatar Allen Sale

    The reference is yet another plot device in the grand scheme of things. Nice to know that prophesying goes over people’s heads. Thanks for the input.

  8. Avatar SlangSkald

    The sentences, when not technically flawed, are awkward and poorly formed. The vocabulary occupies an awkward place between impressionistic and technical, and the result is a sort of prosaic midterm abortion. In addition, the piece is entirely directionless and without function; it communicates nothing, and serves no purpose for the reader.

  9. Avatar Proctagon

    The best foreshadowing is the kind that your audience doesn’t notice until it’s too late

  10. Avatar SlangSkald

    Got submitted a little early, woops.

    Point is, it’s a poor execution of a pointless idea; there’s no thrust here, no arc. Work on your vocabulary and your sentence structure, and then work on the foundations for your stories; as it stands, both could use some refinement.

  11. Avatar J.M.V.

    You’re a little too infatuated with purple prose. The reader can tell when you’re not writing naturally.

    You could stand to be more concise. You don’t say a whole lot, but you say it several times. That’s a bad habit to get into.

    I can’t say this enough- read more, and don’t read junk. It’ll help.

  12. Avatar YaYa

    Pretty much impenetrable. Obtuse and overly verbose prose does not an artsy story make. There’s no feeling of narration or character, the shadows are over-personified…Are the shadows supposed to be alive?

    I’ve reread it three times now and I can’t at all understand the action, if there is any. The only movement that is actually recognizable as movement is explicitly spelled out, and sloppily at that.

    As for “the grand scheme of things”? Ficly’s motto is “A Better, Shorter Story”. If you want to compose your fantasy epic, do it somewhere where the word count isn’t constricted and for God’s sake get an editor.

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