Let Me Count The Ways

Avatar Author: Sphinx Without A Secret Read Bio

Hi,

I know you can’t reason someone into a relationship, that you can’t calculate the optimum partner. But I’m really not sure how else to express things – the curse of a scientist, I guess. I know they say statistics are lies and damned lies, but I honestly mean every number.

I think of you a mean of 36 times a day, and each time it makes me 47% happier. The time I spend with you is the vertex of my joy graph. My feelings for you appear to be increasing exponentially, greater than any other rate of attraction I have ever felt.

I think the odds are in our favour. Across seven different compatibility scales, we come out as 78% compatible, which cross-references with the relationship duration tables to give a mean expected duration of 14.8 years. That’s quite a while and a third of 78% compatible couple stay together for the rest of their lives. A 1-in-3 chance that I’m the one is probably worth the gamble.

You solve my equation. Let me solve yours,

X

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Comments (7 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Jeveux Lécrivain

    That is a sweet way to look at a relationship! did you make up those numbers or did you actually calculate them? this was an enjoyable read and the ending made me chuckle. Keep on being a scientist!!

  2. Avatar Sphinx Without A Secret

    The numbers are totally fabricated. Glad you enjoyed it.

  3. Avatar Ari Marx

    I thoroughly enjoyed this! Great work! I happen to be a sucker for puns like this, and your ending was fantastic. AWESOME JOB!

  4. Avatar HSAR

    I really enjoyed this as well. The tone is struck perfectly throughout the piece and it really gives a sense of honesty to it, even though the author is using numbers rather than “standard” romantic metaphors and whatnot.

  5. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    You rocked that challenge. It was nerdy without being entirely antaseptic or devoid of feeling. The tenderness came through despite all the numbers.

  6. Avatar Tad Winslow

    I’m frustrated. I can’t submit a comment without it being chopped in half and smooshed together into a jumble of non-sense for some reason. I have the most exquisitely awful puns to make, and much praise to give… but I’m worried I’ll have to delete my comment for the third time and start all over :(

  7. Avatar Krulltar

    So Compatibility is
    d/dx [f(g(x))] = f0(g(x))g0(x)

    and Relationship Longevity is
    d/dx [f(x)n] = n-1 f(x)nf0(x)

    BRILLIANT!

    Oh, wait… but when dealing with abstract concepts, such as love, Nash’s Game Theory would look for evolutionarily stable equilibrium behaviours for positive payoff that would lead to mating… so according to von Neumann’s complementarity equation pT (A − λ B) q = 0, you do not have a chance with this lady.

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