Moonlighting

Avatar Author: Mo Queen of run-on sentences. One of the young whippersnappers on Ficly. And I think I might abuse smileys. Read Bio

A glint of light off metal caught my eye. I stopped to inspect a pair of knives.

I’ll probably need these. Placing them in my cart, I consulted my list of things I’d need as a full-time maid. Kitchen knives were not included, but something told me they’d come in handy.

Feather duster, check. Mop, check. Ammonia, check. Hydrogen peroxide, check.

A little girl ran down the aisle, beaming at me. “Hi, I’m a butterfly!” she exclaimed, flapping her arms.

“Don’t bother the nice lady,” her mother scolded. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine. She’s cute,” I said, patting her head.

As they left, I wondered momentarily if I was once that little girl. I’ve got everything, I thought then, checking the list. I turned the sheet, forgetting that I’d written the list on the back.

On the front were my orders. A man just so happened to be in need of a maid, and just so happened to be targeted by my employer. I smiled to myself.

So many ways to kill a man. I couldn’t help a chuckle. Yes, I was once that little girl.

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  1. Avatar someday_93

    Oh wow! Did NOT see that one coming… I’m not sure I understand the last sentence though. The little girl doesn’t seem like the murderer type, but then maybe, your point is that anyone can be a murderer? Just thoughts.

  2. Avatar Gradual Uprising {LoA}

    @someday-The chuckle is what does it, I think. She realizes that she can still laugh and find amusement in things even though she’s no longer tiny.

    @Mo-I really enjoyed this one. :)

  3. Avatar someday_93

    Ahh, that could indeed be it GradUp. Haha, I’m just a little slow sometimes…

  4. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    That was great. It was all so innocent right up until the end, though the knife reference was just ambiguous enough. Really nicely done, especially the contrast between childlike innocence and resolved moral ambiguity, as well as past self and present self.

  5. Avatar Mo

    Actually, to be honest, in my mind I’d seen the chuckle as more of a wry or bitter laugh. But who knows? If only we could ask her. Though then we would have an answer, and I rather like both interpretations.

  6. Avatar stargazer1960

    Fun read and very entertaining.

  7. Avatar 32 ^2

    I like that you put her deep into her own character, she was collecting her “props” if you will, to go along with her “disguise”.

    I got a little lost about the list, I’m not sure what it is, but I don’t have a problem re-reading a story because the punchline effed up my perceptions and expectations,,,,,right?

    Now the “please don’t hate me” part. You really took to heart about breaking up your writing, your flow is wonderful. But when you change from one central theme to a “secondary theme”, you should keep those together, breaking them up shuffles things around in the mind.

    Please read parts 8 and 9 and think about combining those, I think it would work better.

    You’re a great writer. You have a style all your own. If you keep it up. one day someone will be able to pick you out as the author based on your writing alone; it’s like a unique voice.

  8. Avatar 32 ^2

    It makes for a great Sequel, so don’t make any changes on those two, just clarify by simplifying.

    Is she forgetful? Flighty? Irresponsible? Indifferent? Or just thrives off risk? She brought the hit list with her, who know who was reading it while she was reading her shopping list?

    OOOO, I Squeal for Sequels!

  9. Avatar Mo

    Ah, I know that feeling of “please don’t think badly of me, this is how I feel, eek”. But thank you for the constructive criticism, otherwise I’ll never know what to work on, right? (I can’t say I like it exactly, since I think it always stings at least the tiniest bit to hear one’s faults, but I really do appreciate it!)

    So, I did combine parts 8 and 9… Oh, wait, no, I didn’t…. Well. Looks like I forgot my numbers, and combined 7 and 8. But I feel like by leaving 9 (or 8 now, I suppose) as a separate paragraph, it gives it more of an impact? Or is it just in my head (which is entirely – and very – likely)?

    But thank you very much, your words really made my day, especially coming from a writer such as yourself! :)

  10. Avatar Mo

    Oh, and about the list, I had begun writing this with the idea of her buying household items, which she would use to kill with.
    But, as it always turns out, I reached way beyond the character limit, and I went on a tangent with little girl butterflies, so I had to erase what (I hope) would have made my original idea more apparent.

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