Rise to the Occasion

Avatar Author: Ronnie I have a hard time writing anything unless it makes me feel small and afraid. The universe is immense, and I am but a speck. Read Bio

His task was clear. Never before had he felt so much courage in his heart. He had trained for months, years, a lifetime for this moment. He wasn’t sad. He wasn’t mad. He couldn’t even say he was happy. He had transcended those feelings. He had found a peace that only the truly enlightened achieve.

He checked around himself and pushed his way into the crowd.

The images surrounded him. They encircled him, meaning to cause confusion. The feelings they were meant to trigger bombarded his senses. Where normally he would have to fight them, shake them off, stagger against their weight, today he passed right through as though emerging from a waterfall.

He was ready.

He raised his head to heaven and felt his own spirit soar. It circled himself, everyone, on the wings of an eagle. His body worked mechanically now. His hands reached for his jacket of their own fruition and tore it wide. He could hear his own voice as he pressed the trigger.

The explosion blew out all of the windows for a mile.

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Comments (7 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Ronnie

    He’s a terrorist. I couldn’t really tell if I made that at all clear. Hopefully it read well.

  2. Avatar John Perkins

    It did come across that he is/was a terrorist. The suicide bombing thing came through loud and clear.

    The storytelling itself was a bit abrupt. It reads like there is a hard stop at the end of each sentence, rather than them all having a bit of flow. Not sure if that even makes any sense. The phrase “his jacket of their own fruition” doesn’t quite make sense either.

    Definitely has some promise if you can just get it to flow a little better. Re-reading it, I think the reuse of the word “he” to start 7 of the first 9 sentences (and 1 of the other 2 started with “him”) could be part of it. Maybe switch to sentence fragments and avoid the overuse of “he” to begin the story?

  3. Avatar John Perkins

    Err, 1 of the other 2 started with the word “his,” not “him.” My bad.

  4. Avatar Ronnie

    Good info. Thanks

  5. Avatar BA Boucher

    I have to respectfully disagree with my esteemed colleague John Perkins.

    I feel the hard stops are not only fitting for this piece but damn near necessary.

    If somebody is getting ready to do this suicide bombing thing, they are going to be thinking in concrete short thoughts.

    Flowing abstractions would pull me away from this story.

    Good job Ronnie.

    My only crit would be the sentence “trigger bombarded his senses.”

    Being as this is a suicide bomber I get the allusions but in a piece this short it seems forced and redundant.

    Good job though. I loved it.

  6. Avatar Ronnie

    :D

  7. Avatar Laine Grey

    Hmm, yes, I figured he was a terrorist. You did an excellent job of describing_ just_ enough. And the way you gave him a twisted set of morals was exceptionally executed.

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