Of Mice And Gingerbread Men

Avatar Author: memento Eternal I was made, and eternal I remain. Read Bio

Her vision swam.
A rush of air swirled about her, and although her feet were firmly planted on the floor, the sensation was that of a long fall.
The world refocused.
Utterly disoriented, she sought for some indicator as to where she might be.
In the distance, mountainous shapes lingered in shadow, revealed only by the light cast from a great swirl of fire on the horizon. Strangely patterned boxes the size of carriages surrounded a spreading, sharply tangled shape so large that it reached into the obscurity of the dark sky.
A muffled cacophony began to swell from under the dark mountains, and she peered into the gloom to discern its source.
The noise grew ever closer.
Still she saw nothing.
Then, bursting forward, a maelstrom of men and beasts crashed into light. The dark furred creatures bore down upon the defending band with a terrible fury, flashing bright eyes and sharp teeth in the harsh glow.
A creature bit one of the men. He did not tear and bleed, but rather crumbled horribly.
She turned to flee.

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Comments (2 so far!)

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  1. Avatar memento

    It should be noted that this is indeed a rewriting of the story “A Reduction of Circumstance”. After heavy editing, I realized that the piece was so reworked that its rating and comments had been decontextualized. As such, I have posted this as a new story with a new title so it can be experienced afresh. Thank you for your patience with the never-ending process of artistic refinement.

  2. Avatar Jae

    An inspiring example of the strenuous re-writing process! This is a tremendous improvement compared to the first draft.

    I would combine the sentences to make “The noise grew ever closer, yet still she saw nothing.” Too great a pause there slows the tension.

    The phrases “bursting forward” and “crashed into” are redundant. Personally, I like the former.

    Shortening these instances might allow space to intensify the impact of the violence at the end.