Avatar Author: Sage Autumn Just a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve! BE VICIOUS, Critique me, I won't cry! From nothing, to greatness, that is my goal! As a poet, I am trying to enter into a new realm -story writing... "This is me at ... Read Bio

Pulling me in a drawn out kiss. Lingering there in moments of silence. Time stood still for what seemed like hours. Close enough to feel each others breath, lips slightly touching, longing to hang on.
Eyes still closed. Waiting. Wondering, should we meet each others soft luscious lips once more, or pull away left to wonder?
Was it a test?
Perhaps love booming into the night sky, under the grand finale, of fireworks.

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Comments (3 so far!)

  1. Avatar Mazurka

    Comma abuse, so much of it.
    The paragraph is pushing it, you should probably space it out.

    The last sentence was probably meant to have a question mark in there somewhere, but was lost in your long metaphor.

    In general, it feels like you were trying to pad out an idea that wasn’t strong enough to hold its own. Like a PWP, but not titillating.

  2. Avatar Sage Autumn

    ok, completely revised it, took out commas. Put in Periods to emphasize on the thoughts. hope it helps! ya that last sentence was pointless…took it out reworded the last query into a statement! Like it better? or does it still need work??

  3. Avatar LittleSecrets

    The first sentence needs a little work…Maybe a comma? Or maybe just a quick rewording? And there should be a comma between breath, and lips.
    All in all good work!
    It’s hard to explain an emotion with such few words.

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