So the Son Cries

Avatar Author: Ambrosia Dawn "Tell me a bit about yourself." She smiled at that, like she had been expecting me to say just that, just now. "What can I say?" She sat forward and gave me a nice view down her low cut top as she tapped the ash from her... Read Bio

His heart pounded with excitement & fear. After today his life would be forever changed and he’d be damned if he missed the main event. Many months of waiting had all lead up to this moment. It just had to be the day he took his newly restored 1960’s El Camino out for a joy ride! At least he had brought his cell with him.

His mind was racing so he was too distracted to notice the boy on his bicycle wobble out onto the road until it was too late to stop. So, he swerved without slowing and missed the boy but was too late to brake for the corner. He slammed on the brakes and felt the pit of his stomach drop out as two little faces went flying past his window after the sickening thuds.

His bride in white, her laugh over a burger and fries, her smile at him in psych 101, his mother clapping at graduation, his boyhood dog and his scraped knee at 6. Then he was back in the present with blood dripping in his eyes and glass in his skin.

His new born son cried his first breath as his father took his final one.

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Comments (8 so far!)

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  1. Avatar August 2nd

    I like that you came at the same story from a different perspective.

    Otherwise, this seems really disjointed to me. It doesn’t stand on its own but because it’s from a different perspective, it probably should. For example, in paragraph 2, sentence 3 (P2S3), the phrase their little faces comes up without an antecedent. One has to know that there are two girls somewhere in the scene that have just been run down. The same thing happens in P3S3 where them appears. It’s more difficult this time since the only way this makes the least bit of sense is if he’s seeing his wife and newborn child on his cellphone (which could of course be the cause of the accident). On the other hand, as far as I know, the newborn isn’t given to the mother until after it’s taken its first breath.

    Other issues: (a) P2, like Robert’s P5, seems overly analytical and lacks the emotional punch that it should have. (b) Cars brake using brakes, not breaks. © P4S1 doesn’t have a verb. (d) Psyc should be psych.

  2. Avatar Robert Quick

    Even though we both have things to fix, I enjoyed your addition to the story. His choices don’t excuse his actions but still manages to make him more than the joy-riding teen that I had imagined. Thank you for sequeling!

  3. Avatar Ambrosia Dawn

    Thanks for reading. I touched up a couple of typos that were pointed out.

    The “He saw them hold hands” sentence refers to the two girls who he hit. It’s supposed to be blurry in detail as his life is flashing before his eyes after having hit something – he’s not even sure what – and is dying.

    But if that all has to be pointed out in a comment then I didn’t do a good enough job of conveying it in the piece, you’re right, and I apologise. I still find myself lusting after just one more sentence; I like the confinement of the character limit but it also frustrates me.

  4. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    Brutal and tragic. Some technical issues, mostly minor stuff in the first paragraph (“excitement fear”? and missing comma in next compound sentence). Other than being a little choppy in places cause of that it does make for a very compelling read.

  5. Avatar Ambrosia Dawn

    Thanks for spotting that extra typo – now amended. I can’t pinpoint what you mean about the comma but perhaps I am looking at the wrong sentence.

    Thank you for reading and commenting.

  6. Avatar August 2nd

    @Ambrosia: The trick to dealing with the 1024 character limit isn’t in the writing. It’s in the editing. I often write to 1100 or 1200 characters and then work on tightening the story up. (Sadly, we aren’t allowed to save drafts of more than 1024 characters. I know it’s been requested through the help system.) I’m more of the opinion that this is a site for editing short fiction than it is for writing it.

    @ElshaHawk: Before you say anything… I know, I know. I’ll get on it soon, I promise.

  7. Avatar Ambrosia Dawn

    That makes sense. I must admit that I am rather lazy and dislike editing. Perhaps this is the perfect opportunity to practice, however.

  8. Avatar 32 ^2

    I don’t know how much you edited, but it’s just fine. Sometimes, one word or a few, can skew the scenario.

    In this filcy, you write: “until it was too late”. This implies, to me, that your protagonist hit the boy on the bike. It’s not your fault, It’s the near miss vs. near hit conundrum. Not hitting the boy doesn’t refer to “too late”, it’s the girls he, (and we) never saw. He’s basically driving erratically and swerved to avoid one kind of accident, and found another. Try to fit that fact in, not allude to it.

    Otherwise, a heartrending scenario that has happened at some point in time.

Inspired by

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