Compulsive

Avatar Author: righterellis 20-something male who likes writing, but not about himself. Read Bio

You have to go to school today. Despite everything, your mom is making you go. She directs you to the car where you sit and fold your arms across your chest. Your stomach is upset. You’re shaking and dizzy and when you try to speak, you feel like you’re going to vomit.

She parks at the street and waves to you as you walk away.

You sit down at your desk and take out your notebook. Your English teacher is saying something, but you’re not listening. Thoughts are multiplying inside your head. Oh god, are you going to freak out again? You rush through your notebook to a familiar page.

Nearly every inch is covered with numbers. You go to the last one and underneath it you write the same number in reverse and then begin to add the two together. Everything quiets. Your stomach relaxes and you forget your thoughts. All you can concentrate on is the numbers.

If you can get through today, maybe you can convince your mom to let you ditch tomorrow. School is too much without the medication numbing you.

Relapse.

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Comments (4 so far!)

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  1. Avatar 32 ^2

    You’re writing about me. Except it’s my dad and he’s dragging me to his cultist church. I only calm once I start tracing every letter in the bible, like I was trying to rewrite it.

    Your use of “relapse” is profound, since it’s not like alcohol or any drug a kid would have access too. Your talking about a prescription, you replace “relapse” with giving in. I’m going to be thinking on this fact for some time now, since I have a healthcare provider suggesting I “go back on” anti depressants. Yes, you’re right, it would be like relapsing. Shit.

  2. Avatar righterellis

    This is taken directly from my own experience during Junior year of high school.

    If your healthcare provider is suggesting going back on anti-depressants I can’t say that I am knowledgeable enough to agree or disagree with them, but I hope that my writing here has not discouraged you from following their advice. I’m not on medication any longer, but in the end it was the meds that gave me the time I needed to figure out how to fight for myself.

    I chose the word relapse here because it was entirely how I felt about the situation at the time and I wanted to fully integrate the reader with that experience, but I would hate to think of my work being detrimental to your success at the hands of a real therapist. I don’t expect that I am truly so influential as to make or break the decision for you, but I just wanted to make clear my feelings.

    Thank you for the positive rating and I’m glad you could connect, this is a very personal piece for me.

  3. Avatar Robert Quick

    In your bio you say that you don’t like writing about yourself but if this is the result, I say do it! While my own anxieties are a little different, your words managed to transcend the specifics and stab me right in the brain. You made me FEEL anxious which makes me a bit envious. I have trouble making my readers feel anything.

  4. Avatar righterellis

    All your kind words just now made me happy ;) Thanks Robert, I’m glad it managed to get to you.