Runner Among Clouds

Avatar Author: Princess Binky Lemontwist (LoA) I am the Guardian of the Ink Wells and Head Flight Attendant of Our Strange and Wonderful House. Read Bio

She was running with all her might. Her feet pounding on the Bridge of Clouds. Sweat was running down her back & her breathing was ragged as can be. She knew the consequences if she got caught this time.

The Bots were closing in faster than usual since her baby she was holding so fiercely was slowing her down.

‘My baby will be safe. My baby will be safe.’ The young woman chanted in her head as she willed herself to make it past the Bridge of Clouds and into the Shelter Cities where humans lived and the racist Bots could not impose any authority.

This was the third time she had gone into the Freedom State to get supplies for the Human Alliance who trained her as a Runner and let her baby live. She had gotten caught and been beaten every time before. This time had to be different. If the medicines did not get to the rest of the humans in time, humans would go extinct or have to give themselves up to serve as slaves in the Freedom State and across the rest of the universe.

This time would be different.

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Comments (5 so far!)

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  1. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    not bad, some errors to fix: ‘since the her baby’ and ‘make it pass’ (past). Not sure ‘racist’ is necessary, but it works. I like how the freedom state uses slavery. A lot of telling, but that’s okay since you have such a tiny space to work with. :) You’ll figure out this ficly format thing and learn to show us in no time!

  2. Avatar Princess Binky Lemontwist (LoA)

    Thanks for the tips. And yeah this tiny character count is really bugging me. LOL! I’m not used to having a writing limit. I wasn’t really sure about the word “racist” either but I didn’t think “speciesist” would be a good word for it. :P

  3. Avatar Nuno Teixeira

    I tend to overwrite as well. Part of the fun and challenge though (and experience), is in the editing, and trying to be concise with word use.

    Use the NaFicWriMo challenge to learn what it is you want to explore in the process of writing. You can always expand on the ideas later, or get into the nitty gritty of editing when June is over haha! Good luck!

  4. Avatar H.S. Wift

    Hitting the limit is a problem that plagues us all. In my own day one entry, I was struggling to fit in an extra stanza. Had to scrap it in the end.

    I did quite like this story. I feel I’d like to know more about the futuristic setting you’ve detailed. I have an image in my head of mankind enslaved to reobots. Rather like the film version of I, Robot if Will Smith hadn’t saved the day. One slight criticism, the story feels a bit cluttered. You’ve tried to fit a lot in, telling us about the Bots, the Human Alliance, the freedom state, filling in the protagonists character. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I feel we only get to see a little bit about each of these things. I still liked it, I just feel it should have been more focussed.

  5. Avatar Princess Binky Lemontwist (LoA)

    I will keep that in mind for the sequel, H. S Wift. Thanks!