Not a bit guilty.

Avatar Author: RoseTone ~LoA~ I can be reached at: stoneflowersofautumn@gmail.com "For creative Fantasy is founded upon the hard recognition that things are so in the world as it appears in under the sun; on a recognition of fact, but not a slaver... Read Bio

Maybe it was the fact that I was already late for the meeting – not that I was particularly interested in listening to Raleigh circumlocute on the virtues of his latest mountain of numbers – and headed for the inevitable lecture-into-life-story that pushed me over the edge.

Lord knows I’m not normally given to indulging impulses.

Perhaps it was the fact that Randy put relish on my burger for the third time this week. I hate relish. And Randy. And the man lying beside me on the floor of the elevator, clutching his chest and gasping.

I could get really analytical and chalk my actions up to a disinterested father, or maybe that time my cousins threw me into a river. But honestly I don’t know why I did it. I just reacted because I wanted to.

He had coughed nervously several times before putting voice to that mental trigger somewhere in my head.

“What happened?”

God forgive me.

I fell against the floor, thrashing and screaming.

“Merciful… NOO!!!! They’re coming back! They’re coming! Run!

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  1. Avatar RoseTone ~LoA~

    Too late at night – listening to DMB and Furries in a Blender.

    Sorry for this, Ficly and THX….

  2. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    I love the internal stuff, that litany of every day things that can build up. I didn’t quite follow the ending though. Did he blindly swing and deck the guy with brain damage? Then why does he fall down? Obviously, I’m missing something.

    All the same, I appreciate the sequel. You really nailed the tone in the first 3/4ths of it.

  3. Avatar RoseTone ~LoA~

    Sorry – guess I didn’t lay the framework well enough. What I was driving at was that our narrator plays on his companion’s forgetfulness and responds as if some terrible catastrophe has taken place. He reacts to the inquiry as if some horrible event has taken place, knowing that the other fellow wont be able to compare the outburst with any short term memory. All the droopy-eyed fellow will have to go on is 1) I forgot things. 2) I’m in the dark. 3) There is a terrified man with me. 4) “They” are coming.

    The narrator’s reflection in the begin reveals the man’s reaction…. “And the man laying beside me on the floor of the elevator, clutching his chest and gasping.”

  4. Avatar boxofun

    That’s so mean! Ouch. Well written, though!

  5. Avatar Jim Stitzel

    It’s ‘lying’ here, not ‘laying’.
    /grammarnazi

    That said, I laughed out loud at the end. :)

  6. Avatar RoseTone ~LoA~

    Corrected – thanks Jim!

  7. Avatar Stovohobo

    I followed it the first way through pretty well; I got the intent. Even scattered the internal dialogue is wonderful; very natural and it hints at some darker aspects of his character that show a deeper person. I like.

  8. Avatar Princess Binky Lemontwist (LoA)

    Ummmmm you lost me at the end but otherwise an intriguing sequel. :)

  9. Avatar RoseTone ~LoA~

    A thought – would it help if I put the “flashback” in italics instead of having his reflective thoughts formatted in that way?

  10. Avatar Timbertoesa

    I didn’t get to read this before you put the introspective narration in italics, but the current edition gave me no trouble at all. I followed it clearly all the way through and I laughed out loud when I finished. Then I read it again. ;)

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With a jerk and tinny screeching noise the elevator came to rest at some point between floors 13 and 16. I hadn’t been paying attention...

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