Observations

Avatar Author: Ranger Creative Writing student at the University of Winchester Read Bio

Trapped within the metal bullet, people cram together like sardines in a tin. Personal space no longer exists in the cramped confines of the tube and you find a familiarity with the person next to you’s body that you probably wouldn’t on a first date. I wonder how a claustrophobic would be in this situation.
Looking around, I think I have found the perfect candidate to observe. He is tall, well dressed in his casual wear, leather jacket over jeans and plaid shirt; a beanie hat the only obscurity. His eyes are fixed on a central point, so intense his focus that if I had a better angle in which to look on, I swear that his eyes would be crossed. His mouth moves feverishly as if in frantic prayer and sweat beaded his forehead like small pearls as he rocked slightly to console himself. Then his head turns and the illusion’s dispelled as in his ear is a headset.
To be honest, it makes more sense for a claustrophobic to walk above ground and as I stand with some guy’s knuckles pressed against my ass. I envy them.

View this story's details

Prequels

Oh no! This story doesn't have a prequel. Want to fill in the blanks and write one?

Sequels

Oh no! This story doesn't have a sequel. Want to fill in the blanks and write one?

Comments (4 so far!)

Average Reader Rating

  1. Avatar JonB

    A pretty accurate depiction of travel via the tube network, with a bunch of strangers crammed together in a sweaty mass and everyone resolutely refusing to make eye contact or acknowledge in any way that they are, in fact, not alone.

    Some good descriptions in there, although you jumble your tenses half way through: His eyes are fixed on a central point …His mouth moved feverishly and the final paragraph is a bit muddled.

  2. Avatar Kespan

    Can’t help but think this was inspired by Musk’s announcement of his Hyperloop plans.

    A great piece that tells the less comfortable side of the benefits of tube-based travel. The last couple of sentences brought a chuckle.

    I’d recommend breaking up the first paragraph a bit – it feels like too much is packed in there (much like the people in the tube).

  3. Avatar Ranger

    Thanks JonB, I’ll look into correcting those and agreed, the last paragraph was a classic case of “runoutofletteritis” :P

    Kespan I wish I could claim that but seeing as I have no idea who that is I’ll have to say no and the packed feeling of the first paragraph was intentional, however maybe changing it a bit will enable me to improve the ending. Thank you both for your comments.

  4. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    It’s a good descriptive piece, but something about the claustrophobic felt out of place. I wanted them to be a character, or to have some form, instead of just thought.

This story's tags are