Chilling Words (1)

Avatar Author: Ranger Creative Writing student at the University of Winchester Read Bio

“I’ll just keep ordering shopping until I find you!”
The words from last night rang in my head as I got back into my van and drove off. It was just a random comment, I knew, but something about it seemed… off. It left an unnerving impression on me. A look in her eye as she said it. An intention in the tone of her voice. It was just a comment, right?
For those of you just tuning in, I’ll rewind.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl. She seemed nice enough, slim but curvy, just how I liked them. I’d been to a self help seminar and fallen asleep during it. At the end of it, she’d caught up with me and nudged me in the ribs as if I was a close friend rather than a total stranger.
“Why were you here then, you obviously don’t need it.”
I’d turned in irritation but when I saw her, words failed me. “Sorry?”
“This seminar. It’s for insomniacs…”
The conversation flowed into general small talk then moved onto work. I said that I delivered shopping and when I didn’t say what days, she said… that.
Just a comment… right?

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Comments (4 so far!)

  1. Avatar Ranger

    Feel free to pitch in. Two characters, her and him. Non-linear so if you think of something to go beforehand then feel free but use roman numerals in the title. :)

  2. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    The beginning was a bit tricky, just the phrasing of the sentence and the sentence about it being off. I don’t think anything is technically wrong; I just struggled through a bit.

    It’s a funny sort of start to what seems like a quirky story.

  3. Avatar JonB

    This a good strong set up – could be funny, could be scary, all sorts of different directions it could be taken in.
    I agree with THX about the start: I think this needs tidying up: but I couldn’t help but something about it seemed. Also, I think the ‘that’ in when I didn’t say when, she said that needs emphasis to make it clearer that this refers to the first sentence, otherwise it reads as a truncated sentence. But sorry to nit-pick – the story is good

  4. Avatar Ranger

    Thank you, sorry that it’s taken me so long to come back to it, I’ve had time to write up ideas that I’ve jotted down elsewhere but not much to correct them… Maybe leaving them in draft would have been more prudent. However, the re-write should be better now :)

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