Avatar Author: K-Jellybean You know that moment when you realize you're in over your head? "I am steeped in blood so far, that returning would be as tedious as going ahead." ***** I missed this place. I missed posting. I can't be the user that ... Read Bio

“What are you thinking about?” he asks me and I stare at him wide eyed for a second wanting to say, “I’m thinking about work and how maybe it’s not going to work out still and I’m thinking about us and how maybe we’re not going to work out either because I keep fucking up,” but I just say, “Nothing,” and go back to picking at my food.

“You just look worried is all,” he says softly and I know that I’m hurting his feelings by not confiding in him, but if I do confide in him, he’ll only say every possible thing that would make my anxiety worse and if I get upset, he’ll say that it’s unfair to him for me to be so sensitive and he’s right because I can’t expect him to know what to say to someone like me. I’m not easy to deal with. I’m all fucked up. And if I’m not careful, it’ll drive him away.

“I just really want this to work. Us, I mean. I really want us to work. I’m trying really hard.” I say around the lump in my throat.

“I know,” he says and when he smiles I can see in his eyes that he doesn’t have a clue.

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Comments (3 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Abby (LoA)

    Great piece. There’s a wonderful stream-of-consciousness feel to it throughout from the long sentences and fluidity (particularly in that first paragraph (my favourite)). You definitely put across that feeling of ‘words unsaid’.

  2. Avatar HSAR

    I knew it wasn’t just my gender! :)

  3. Avatar Tad Winslow

    They stay with you or they don’t. They can’t be selected. You stay with them or you don’t. You can’t be selected. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Love between two friends, or two lovers, is mutually discovered. It’s not built, or renovated, or bought. It’s just there, flaws and all, and it never leaves, and it can’t be measured.

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