Riveted, Barely Breathing

Avatar Author: ElshaHawk (LoA) "Read, Reply, Ficly, or Die!" -Krully Ficly Blogger-In-Chieftess I am a self-proclaimed member of the LoA (League of Awesomeness): Mistress of Well-Intentioned Indecision. Special Needs Teacher, wife, mother of ... Read Bio

It was the head tilt. His head was looking down at her and tilted slightly to the right. He was going to kiss her. You could see his desire smoldering behind his lips even though you couldn’t see his eyes or hear what he whispered.

But she stood straight, looking up with her eyes only, lashes touching her eyebrows. She was not receptive to him. It was the moment of no return. She could cave, softening her ramrod straight-backed stance, inclining her head just a fraction of an inch toward his. He would have her then.

Or she could turn away, back up slowly, look away from him and go. You were hoping she would make up her mind, watching from the shadows unsure if you should act. You wanted her to make her own decisions, but staying with him will ultimately lead to heartache. You want to prevent her from hurting. But you can’t.

And you want to run, get away from this situation, but like a car accident, you stand riveted, barely breathing.

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Comments (12 so far!)

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  1. Avatar The Silence [All By Myself] {LoA}

    :O i am speechless. That was really good.

  2. Avatar April Raines

    Quite good, ElshaHawk. Poetic word choice, and excellent imagery. First sentence and last sentence beautiful.

    Minor (really minor) things that bugged me (personal choice and all). I’d change ‘eyeballs’ to ‘eyes’, and ‘even if’ to ‘though’ – but that’s my taste, feel free to ignore me.

    Lovely work!

  3. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    thanks! I think those are great suggestions! Will you be my editor? lol.

  4. Avatar Brebelles {LoA}

    Haha, somewhat reminds me of an situation im in right now. lol :)

  5. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    I saw an advertisement for a DVD rental company, don’t even know what movie still it was, just a picture, but it inspired this scene. :) I think we’ve all had some sort of moment where we’ve had to decide to interfere or to look away.

  6. Avatar .:Band Baby:.

    this is really nice. i like the wording. =)

  7. Avatar Mighty-Joe Young (A.K.A Strong Coffee)(LoA)

    you should combine your sentences more, those periods are correct but not poetic. mama murph or mask by the moon would have made the first three sentences all one. besides that it has a surreal calvin klein ad feel to it good job

  8. Avatar April Raines

    @ElshaHawk – if you’d like. I’m always happy to give a friendly critique.

  9. Avatar luckymere

    HOT! I love that moment right before a possible kiss – you captured it beautifully. And – respectfully, Mighty Joe Young – I definitely prefer a short sentence that gets right to the point. I like the short style in moments like this. I feel like it is closer to how the mind works in this kind of situation. Lovely!

  10. Avatar Mighty-Joe Young (A.K.A Strong Coffee)(LoA)

    point well taken mere
    congrats on the feature elsha

  11. Avatar Silven

    I was looking for something to start the day with, and this was perfect. You have the strange ability to write stories that normally should seem dull and kind of choppy, yet always come out smooth and engaging.

  12. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    thank you silven