Darkness

Avatar Author: ♦ Jenunique ♦ Is a student once again and lurking in the shadows, reading your ficlets in secret. ;^) Hopefully will be bitten by the writing bug again one day. OH! I see it has been at least 11 months since I last contributed-- sadly,... Read Bio

Tiana sighed and hugged herself tighter as the chill of darkness danced across her pale shoulders. Pulling the coverlet from her bed, she started across the room. Surveying all the things she had collected in the unnaturally long years she’d walked the earth, treasures some had called them, and she felt so alone.
One could not ‘collect’ company in the way that one could collect things. Not even the moon, who had alway been a steadfast partner, chose to show her face this night. “Black as pitch,” Tiana whispered as she looked down from the tower which held her safe from the world.
A single tear wound its way down her cheek. She reached to wipe it away and let her head fall back as she pulled in a heavy breath, only to let out in a scream that would have frightened Hell’s demons.
Her voice shattered, she rent the protective drapery from its holdings and stood in the window; watching as the sun crept over the horizon. A fang glittered in the sunlight as she took her last stolen breath.

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Prequels

Comments (4 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Fyora Cartagan

    I’ve actually thought about being a vampire, myself, and how I would miss the sun, and other people.

    This really reflects that.

  2. Avatar Ronnie

    I have too, and I would not miss the sun. ;) Great story.

  3. Avatar j. smthng

    Good start with a nicely ambiguous ending; I assumed she killed herself (for whatever reason), but Dr Theo’s sequel implies she was attacked by demons, and Fyora’s comment implies she missed the sun and wanted to see it again. I like the language in the 2nd paragraph (moon, etc).

    More comments:

    - First paragraph – the order of actions seems inconsistent to me. It sounds like her shoulders are bare (and maybe she is cold, hugging herself), but then she pulls a coverlet off the bed; was the coverlet around her body and shoulders? If so, then her shoulders couldn’t be bare.

    - First paragraph – I’m not sure about “started across the room”; it seems like a weirdly abrupt action to be followed by the slowness of surveying her treasures. I would probably have had her just get out of bed and walk across the room, unless you feel that the character really would jump and run across the room and then stop and slowly survey things. (She feels more deliberate than flighty to me, though.)

    (cont’d)

  4. Avatar j. smthng

    - “Pulling the coverlet …”; I would reverse the phrases in this sentence (so “she started across the room, pulling the coverlet..”); as written, it sounds like she’s dancing with the coverlet (or something). At least, to me.

    - “A single tear wound its way down her cheek.” This pulled me out of the story by being too cliché. I would rephrase the way that she cries.

    - I would modify the punctuation in the 2nd-to-last sentence:

    “Her voice shattered. She rent the protective drapery from its holdings and stood in the window, watching as the sun crept over the horizon.”

    Also, I would use “rails” instead of “holdings” (or some other drapery/curtain term).

    Hope this helps, or at least gives you a different writer’s perspective.

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