Stories tagged “comedy”
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Socially Unacceptable
“Disgusting! Can you do that somewhere else,” the woman asked, walking slightly faster as she eyed the man sitting on the courthouse steps. Society no longer cares for the smokers. They huddle outside in their designated areas, enduring all...
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Pantsing the Naked Singularity
“How do you plan on killing death, then?” “Have you heard of a ‘naked singularity’?” “Umm, no. Do I want to?” “Yes. It’s a black hole that’s built up so much hydrogen around it that it n...
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Fred's Day
And it came to pass that the Reverend Pastor Fred Waldron Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, died and went unto his heavenly reward. Verily, Fred had prayed and worked hard his whole life. “I’ve done it all, Lord. I’ve cursed and ...
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A silver lining, oh yes I should think so...
Any successful execution by firing squad results in just one thing: a healthy corpse. In this regard at least, today’s effort was a stunning success. Those present: myself, a small group of onlookers, three marksmen and a miscreant tied to a pole...
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Why do I Screw Up all The Time?
When you are as smart as me you wouldn’t think you would screw up all the time. But you do. Hey I am Janie Everture I have skipped 1 grade. I screw up all the time. I am in the 8th grade. And there is a boy in all my classes. Did you know that sm...
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Confusion!
What do most girls do when they are in love? They sit and wait! Why do they do this? It all started when we were cavemen. Or Monkeys. The women would stay at home and take care of the children while the dad would go out and find food. Then we become mo...
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Friends!
We were just sitting in my room. 2 of my best friends. Listening to our favorite band our inspiration They might be giants. They might Be Giants was the inspiration for our band Florida’s Nerd Academy. We were talking about the future. When I fin...
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How to Tilt at Windmills
“This is a skill I’m never going to need, old man.” Don Quixote wasn’t one to be discouraged by an unwilling student. “Nonsense, my good friend. One must always be prepared for battle, even in the most unlikely of places.&...
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One-point-four-zero-five times Ten to the Tenth Power
Man was never meant to fly. I know that. Intimately well, actually. Hell, that’s why I decided to prove them wrong. Yeah, it didn’t work out so well. Who would have thought the issue would be how to get down? Also, it’s boring as hell...
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Das Milkshake
“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.” Hans pointed down the street at the small group of young men heading their way, gesturing with his chocolate shake. “What?” Dan looked up from his lawn mower and wondered why Hans ...
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You Don't Always Need Protection
They embraced. She started to kiss him, moving down to his neck. He pulled away. “Honey,” he said, “Shouldn’t I…” He pulled out a little square wrapper from his pocket. She looked at him frankly. “Babe,”...
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weekend with the inlaws
It was at that point he realised that maybe he had gone too far. Sure, it was an accident – a terrible thing to have done, but in his mind there was no other option. He could’ve hidden it elsewhere, but at that time the kitchen fridge seeme...
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Dear God, from Caveman Bob
Dear God, Thank you for a wonderful dinner. Egg is always a treat. I didn’t mean what I said when that velociraptor was after me. Next time it might be nice if she didn’t catch me at her nest, though. No hard feelings? Amen, Caveman Bob
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Lord of the Fly
The fair maiden looked at her Lord longingly as she wiped her chin with her sleeve and widened her sultry smile. “Off with you now. Your King has pressing matters to attend to lass.” He paused for a moment, quivered, regained his composure ...
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First time
Well there she is, my first lay after 23 years of biding my time, being nice, coming up with neat and clever things to say… Here I am on my momentous occasion being the one who’s up for some reason as she slumbers there like a wet whoopee c...
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Schizo-friendly-a
“How are things?” said Walter as he took a seat at the old wooden table. “You know, i can’t complain.” replied the man seated across from him. “That’s good to hear.” said Walter, smiling. “I’m...
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Dear God, from Caveboy Billy
Dear God, Please bless Daddy Bob, Momma Jane, Little Sister Mary, and Cave-neighbor Sue because Oh God is she hot now that she has boobs! How do I get her to stop throwing rocks at me? Amen, Caveboy Billy Oh yeah, and I’m not asking Dad any more ...
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Dear God, from Cavewoman Jane
Dear God, Today little Mary broke our best gourd bowl over Billy’s head because he told her she threw spears like a girl. So I was thinking, you know— Two kids is enough, right? In Your Hands, Cavewoman Jane
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Why I Was Arrested
So, it all started when I was in a club dancing with a girl. Well, more of a woman than a girl, really. A mature lady. And dancing probably isn’t the right term. More like flailing. And when I say ‘with’, I mean in the general proximi...
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Dear God, from Caveman Bob 3
Dear God, Thank you for the white rocks I found the other day. I discovered that I could use them to make marks on the wall. They work much better than mud. Amen, Caveman Bob
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Dear God, from Cavegirl Mary
Dear God, Mamma Jane got really mad at me yesterday for hitting Billy over the head with a bowl. She said I should apologize to you, so I’m sorry and I’ll be a good girl from now on. Amen, Cavegirl Mary If I behave for long enough, I get to...
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Dear God, from Caveman Bob 4
Dear God, Please help me keep my mouth shut tomorrow at the gathering when those pricks from across the valley start going on about how their great-great-great-grandfather invented fire, which we all know he didn’t. You invented fire. Amen, Cavem...
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Dear God, from Cavewoman Jane
Dear God, I gotta tell you, I am getting tired of all these dinosaurs. The other day I swear I saw a velociraptor hanging around outside. There are just so many of the ugly things, and so many of them are so BIG! Even the peaceful ones are as likely to...
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Orange
Brother Neimus bowed his shaved head to Brother Paulus as he passed him on the way from evening prayers. The scent of citrus blossoms wafted through the stone arch windows. He paused and glanced out at the acres of neatly-tilled fields. Curious, he saw...
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It's hard being a girl and a super hero.
The Medical Mutant looked dourly down at the city. This was definitely going to suck. Some fool of a villain calling himself The Apothecarian (not a real word) had decided to put white Phosphorus in the water system. Among other things, ingesting this ...