Stories tagged “humor”
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A Pretentious Alien's Poetic Perspective
when what you can’t control outweighs what you can like time and the fact that you had no say in existence to begin with; would you consider fate to still be bitter or is it sweet mint and cinnamon and rain like glitter? Because it surely encompa...
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Becoming James
You are only 32 years old. Looking in the mirror you see that smile that screams: James Dean. The charm Peter Parker vied for. The body Isolde had fallen for. The lingering traces of drug addled days on the Pineapple Express in your eyes, and the taste...
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Tea
My office door opened just after four. “Are you Luis Baker the Private Eye?” “That’s what it says on the chart.” I replied asking the dame her name. “Miss Biscuit,” she said, “if you really must know.” Her words crisp as she rolled in...
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Duck Hunting
I zipped up my duck suit, and put on my trainers. It was time to go. “Right. When i say go, run as fast as you can, i will try and shoot you with this double barrell shotgun, if i hit you, i win” Derick shouted, with a manic smile slathered...
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Hunting
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When Dairy Strikes
“Afraid not, Detective.” I looked over my shoulder at the man standing behind me, a pensive look on his face as he stared down at the mutilated corpse. “What’s the diagnosis, Doc?” I asked. He shook his head. “Afraid...
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Adventures of a Department Store Associate: Take 2 More Shifts
Old sentiments are becoming true once again! The unruly Kingdom has degraded to almost evil Empire status, sad to say. Unwanted pieces of cloth are now tossed into cribs where even babies could never sleep; those garments with cheery yellow tags are us...
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Pissed At Asparaguses
Oh spare us Of our bright yellow pee, Asparagus, you nefarious little careless… Hey! And why the hell does it have to smell so funny!?
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Given the Boot
There once was a lady who lived in a shoe But there she liveth no more; Her apartment of old Was not rent-controlled And the rates went up in Q4.
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The Legend of Binky and Dairy Queen
Diary Queen set a blizzard against her starving serfs, soft swirling them into submission. One alone busted her dictatorial parfait: Binky. Cone or cup, cake or creamy swirl the Dairy Queen preened in her stainless steel court as Binky launched lime je...
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Why Is It Always Me?
Why is it always me?, I think, reflecting on my earlier escapades. I always have had…strange luck, but this was just ridiculous. Certainly God must have a sadistic sense of humor concerning my general welfare. Just the other day when I was protec...
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And in Time You Will Know Him
The field of green was empty and welcoming. Construction of the stands surrounding it had finished yesterday and people were already camped there waiting for the action. “Behold, Sir Robert the Quick!” A smattering of polite applause accomp...
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Quick Courtship-- Poetic Pick-up Line
My likes Include Nice nights— The kind kind, Hot food, Spiced rice, A calm mind, And you— You’d suffice For a warm slice Of slumber under The morning skylights
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Fantastical Masquerade
“To be honest, these shoes are murdering my poor feet.” Lara complained loudly. She grinned up at her love, Dante. He smirked, pulling her close while they danced in the midst of a crowd. Orchestra music echoed throughout the ballroom as co...
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All in a Day's Work
Another day another dollar selling tapes on the side of the road. Just trying to make ends meet. Got laid off, hate hard labor anyway. Buddy of mine ripped these off from the video store, they won’t miss ‘em. Everything’s changing ove...
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The Smegamorphosis
Gary awoke that morning to discover that he’d been transformed into a four-speed dishwasher with removable cutlery rack and replaceable cleaning head. He knew, deep within his heart, that he had a two-year warranty with a manufacturer’s gua...
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The Yellow Pajama Exchanger
“So,” the detective said slowly, hopefully. “The only thing missing is the pajamas.” His pen hovered over his notepad poised to spend ink adding to the very short list of stolen items. Outside the flashers of three police cruise...
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Old Sayings Often Inapplicable
“Hey Steven, whatcha doin?” “Well, you know how it is, Bob. Life gave me a whole bunch of lemons, so…” Bob let that hang for a moment before pushing further, “Yeah, I can see that. So, you’re making…̶...
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Egg-laying Species Pre-date The Existence of Chickens
“Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” er, well, they tied, theoretically, there was a burst, the origins dispersed, then it was read in a Ficly
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Three For The Price of One
Make friends with the first anesthesiologist you meet down in hell _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Girls preoccupied with looks become most women obsessed with money _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Silence is a strength if contemplative and fair; judging b...
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Sheri
There was an old woman from France, Who wore red ruffled underpants, No one knew it at all, Due to the length of her shawl, Till she did high kicks as she danced.
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Untitled Draft
Are you implying that I’m lying? Or inferring that that’s occurring? If you are then your thinking is FUBAR! Can’t you see I’m speaking loosely? I’m joking! You know, for f u n, quit looking for a smoking gun.
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Check Brain
Just before taking a bite of his burger made with whatever mystery meat the cooks were growing in the vats this week, Nainick sat up straight and stated, “That’s rather disturbing.” His friend Bally swallowed a mouthful of burger to ask, “What?...
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How Dare You? And Other Phrases
If you could only eat one thing, Avocados contain enough healthy fats and nutrients to keep you alive for the rest of your life. Avocado pits, on the other hand, contain cyanide. In New York City, the items on McDonald’s Dollar Menu are two dolla...
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Loaner
“Mister Mazzello?” Tom jerked from his stupor. He blinked a few times, then shut off the book he had been trying to read. “Yes?” The face of a young mechanic filled the screen next to him. She smiled and said, “We’ve found your problem. The...