What will you think now?

Dear Josh,
I’m so sorry for all the ‘torture’ I put you through. You are a constant reminder that I am unworthy of love or appreciation. I was ten Josh, ten! You were my first love. Even now, I see you once a year at most and I still long for you; think of what you would do or say to me in every situation. You were the perfect boy. Gorgeous, sweet, my best friend’s older brother. And you decided it would be so much fun to rip my young, naive heart out, kick it around in your favourite soccer style, slice it open and stomp on it until it bled out.
I’m sorry that I was too fat, ugly and annoying for you. I was a perfectly happy person – happy with my weight and appearance, until you decided I just wasn’t good enough. Now I can’t leave the house without quadruple checking how I look. People think it’s vanity. No, it’s VERY low self esteem.
Depression, eating disorders – nobody noticed.

I’m so scared to see you again, what you will think.

But secretly, I still dream about what could have been…

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