I was intrigued by the title and like the tone of this one. Consider fixing the tense so that it matches throughout… ie. in the first sentence you say “It’s Friday night… could only,” I think it should either be, “it was Friday night… could only,” or “it’s Friday night… can only,”. Throughout the piece it’s a little confusing. Also, your narrator definitely has a strong sense of self and a great voice but the cadence is off at some spots — try reading it aloud, that should help you figure out how to punctuate to let her voice ring through even better.

Okay, thank you very much. I’m a little confused on where her cadence is off.

I feel like its mostly in the second paragraph.

I was thinking the first two sentences… it’s a little choppy and doesn’t have quiet the same cadence as the rest.

I would wonder if the topic is your failing point. Your sequel is staccato and this one doesn’t have the ring of conviction. Keep going if this is your chosen genre.Some of your other stories are better.

I too was intrigued by the title, it’s reminiscent of a very juicy and scandalously entertaining Lifetime movie. This one was good, so I’ll break out the popcorn and read on…

ohhh, reading on.

I’m not sure if the unprotected sex is fun and games or never happens in the last part.. but other than that, you set up the character pretty well, minus a physical description.

Poor girl. Last line’s a killer.