You think it’s easy being a huge burning eye scouring the landscape for hobbits? You think I like having incompetent goblins and ugly-as-sin Orcs for minions?
Well I don’t! I’d far rather have a crack team of busty, blond haired Elves with a combined IQ of five million… or whatever seems reasonable. Then there wouldn’t be all this pratting about, chasing four midgets across Middle Earth.
But no, I’m the bad guy. I get the short end of the stick. Sure, I outnumber the good guys ten to one but my so-called ‘nefarious’ plans are undone by the selfless sacrafices of a gay Elf and his dwarf partner! Not to mention that bloody wizard. Why the hell won’t he die?!
And, of course, nobody cares that it isn’t my fault I’m evil. I suppose you’ve forgotten all about the corrupting influence of that shiny little ring haven’t you? There’s your real bad guy right there. But no one remembers even though it’s eating away at that pillock Frodo’s soul every tiny step of his quest.
You people make me sick.