Tragically poetic, though I’m not sure I followed very much of it.

It’s about a girls friend that is filled with regret that he can’t get rid of. No matter what she says or does, he can’t get over what he did. She finally got to the point where she can’t take it anymore because he can’t get over what he did. Confusing perhaps, ops.

Written well, but as THX mentioned, somewhat difficult to make sense of. The overall theme is easy enough to grasp, but extracting an actual story without your explanation is nearly impossible.

Still pretty good, though. I like the Breaking Benjamin reference.

…I don’t know how to take the lyrics you inserted. At no point did you mention that they weren’t yours. Someone who had never read this might not stop to think that maybe you were referencing something—it’s not a clear, “as in” or “like” or “as they said”. It’s just there. It’s very disconcerting because, even though I doubt it was your intent, it looks like plagiarism.

I realize that since you’re on ficly, citing this in any way or manner would be really difficult. Still, you could have commented with that information and you didn’t. While I’m sure you didn’t mean to have it that way, you have to realize that that is how things are. If I were you, I would fix it.

thanks for the criticism…
sophia-i think there was a misunderstanding, i now can see how it would look to someone who doesn’t know the song or my intent of adding it to the story. I simply meant it as a reference to the character in the story, just like if you were to quote a famous saying. I’m not quite sure how you would write that correctly in a piece like this because I can’t put quotations since I changed the original name to Anne. I only write fiction for fun and I’m used to business papers and law reports which is a completely different style in writing. If you were to speak to a friend and reference a lyric or saying how would you do so without clearly stating “as so-in-so said”?

Don’t worry about it. I would probably say something like, “I turn to Breaking Benjamin to find the answer because, if I had to, I would put myself right beside you….” You could mention humming the song, thinking about how it reflected what was going on at the time, any of those would be fine and would show that it’s not really yours, but you are using it for a different purpose than the original author thought of.