Dear Alfonso,

I got this, man. I checked your file, and it looks like you’ve definitely been a good boy this year. Kudos. I also checked Elaine’s. I got good news for you: she’s been bad. And I mean bad. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

The benefits here are twofold. First, I can definitely intervene for you, since she’s absolutely not on the nice list. Given her history, I don’t think this will be too much of a problem. Some coal in her stocking here, a horse’s head in her bed there, and we’re good to go. Two, you’re going to be able to get into her pants. I mean, this is going to be easier than getting into your own pants. A walk in the park.

Sit tight, kid. I’m going to get you laid.

All the best,
Santa

PS – In the interest of full disclosure, should everything go according to plan, you will be on the naughty list next year. I’m just sayin’.

PPS – Don’t be a dick. Wear a condom.