You write like a police report. Not much imagery, not many details, simply: this happened and then this happened because of that and that’s it. You introduce ideas too that aren’t cohesive with the story. “That was my greatest fear,” just sounds tacky. You can let the reader know how something is without outright saying it.

I know I’m being blunt, but I don’t mean to be hurtful. I look at this and see potential, but just take it as constructive criticism: you have a ways to go. You can be an amazing writer, just take the time to indulge your reader. Get to know your characters and really exploit literary devices. Try reading some fanfiction, you’ll see what I mean.

I’m afraid I’m going to agree with Sophia to a large extent. I like the premise , but you are a bit too direct. Give us some mood, and imply more things. Remember that ficly is a really tight format, so the more you can say with fewer words, the better.

Don’t get me wrong, this is a promising start.

ok i’ll try to fix it