I love this entry. This one doesn’t throw the vampire in your face; it’s a lot more subtle.

I liked the way this played out. Three tiny things that irked me, though: Firstly, the phrasing of the first sentence is a bit iffy, the point’s made, but it’s a little muddled. Second, the second sentence could be condensed to something along the lines of “Only one small candle flickered timidly.” It would feel much smoother. The third thing: the “sew” in the last bit should be “sow.”

Other than those, though, I particularly liked it. This has potential to go somewhere, I think.

g2LaPianistaIrlandesa pointed out,

“. . . the phrasing of the first sentence is a bit iffy. . .

I get what you are saying from a contemporary style point of view. That sentence does bend a few rules. However, given story space constraints, one must occasionally stretch to create mood and structure.

" . . . the second sentence could be condensed . . ."

This is true. It would seem that it is my fate to be verbose.

“. . . the “sew” in the last bit should be “sow. . .”

And so “sew” is now “sow” with my thanks for pointing it out. Small stuff sometimes trips me up in first draft production.

Your kind and honest evaluation is appreciated.

This challenge ended in writer’s block twice before this story.

I really like this, putting a vampire and a monk together, two people on opposite ends of the spectrum. Very nicely done.

Enjoyable.

Very not TWILGHT! I SPARKLE! IMMORTAL! in your face.

(Though I do like Twilight.)

I as well like how un-in-your-face-vampire this is.
Also, the title made me think of Monk, from the show “Monk” which made me imagine hmm, what if Monk was with a vampire? Hilarity would ensue. So thanks for putting a smile on my face :D

I know what you mean by using longer sentences for mood and so forth. However, to be frank, that’s not exactly what I’m getting in that first sentence. Yes, you could use a longer sentence for effect, but this particular sentence is more clunky than anything. Although, if you want to keep it as close to the original as possible all you’d need to do is reorder the phrasing and you’d be good to go. Personally I would go with something like, “…sat at the most poorly lit table in the tavern, farthest from the door, with his back to the wall.” You don’t need to go with that, though. Again, I like the idea of the sentence, but as is it’s awkward to read.

However, that aside I wanted to say congrats on the feature. Well deserved, I think.

Storyline is excellent. imagery is well defined. I do agree with the length of the introduction passage sounding as if you could run out of breath before finding the storyline but…….hey its a very interesting read.

The first sentence is extremely awkward and detracts from the rest of the story. You’ve got your modifiers all muddled so it’s hard to tell whether you’re talking about the wall, the door, or the table. I would recommend something more along the lines of:

The vampire Vladimir Constantinescu sat with his back to the wall at the table farthest from the tavern door.

You don’t need to mention how poorly the table is lit. You cover that in your next sentence.

I liked d story!