I cowered in my bed, hoping against hope that my covers could hide and protect me from the tall, seductive figure silhouetted in front of my window. Her hair undulated to the floor and her eyes glinted violent, violet silver in the moonlight.

“Come to me, mortal”, she commanded in a voice rich as chocolate, or wine, or blood. She beckoned imperiously. I could see her fangs sliding over her lips, but it was impossible to resist. I threw back the covers and stood, clad only in boxers. I walked towards her, entirely mesmerized.

My goddess drew back in repugnance. “You’re…fat!” she said. My jaw dropped open.

The vampire looked entirely confused—and now that I noticed, she wasn’t nearly as tall and slender as she’d first appeared. Her hair looked shorter too. And her eyes were distinctly brown.

“Hey!” I said. “You’re not exactly svelte either.”

She looked haughty, or as haughty as a vampire with two chins can look.

“Excuse me!” she snapped. “I’m in Weight Watchers…and you have too many calories.”