Dear Santa,

If by having “a lot of nerve,” you mean standing up to a cheapskate like you, then yeah, I do have a lot of nerve. Don’t give me any of that cashmere sweater bullshit, because that clearly shows how much you read my letters. I want a cashmere scarf, not a sweater, you fat slob. So get off your lazy ass and read some letters, okay?

As for my phone, well maybe if you actually got me what I wanted for once, then maybe I wouldn’t have to buy something so shitty. I’m so goddamn busy trying to be on the “Nice” list and giving money to charity that I don’t have time to buy an expensive phone.

Its funny because my little sister actually wanted to poison your damn milk, but I was nice enough to take it out last minute. Sue me for thinking that you’d have enough goddamn milk and cookies that one house wouldn’t kill you.

Don’t act all high and mighty because what do you do on those 364 days of the year with Mrs. Claus? Not making toys, thats for sure.

Fuck you,
Grace

PS—Those panties have crabs.