I walked slowly down the moonlight alley, the evening gloom surrounding me. Suddenly, a dark cloaked figure stepped in front of me, seemingly from nowhere.

“Good evening. I am a vampire,” he said, throwing his coat wide to reveal a pale and drawn figure.

I snickered. “Get out. Ever since Twilight came out, everyone’s claiming to be a vampire.”

“No, seriously. I’m a vampire, with the blood-sucking and all. Look, fangs.” He bared his fangs, which were indeed fanglike.

“What’s your name? Count von Fangy or something?”

“I’m Tim.”

I started laughing harder. “You’re a vampire named Tim? That’s just sad.”

“Stop laughing at me! You should fear me. I am an undead creature of the night.”

“OK, whatever. Do you mind moving? I need to get home to watch Lost.”

Tim the vampire raised a bony hand. “No, wait. I have come to deliver a dark warning to you.”

“What, am I out of Triscuits? Do I need to stop at the 7-Eleven?”

“No, I’ve got it written here on, um, oops. I left it at home.”

I sighed and pushed Tim aside.