Its nice.
The sentence formations in d para you describe her is good in d beginning. Midway it becomes a little out of sync with the earlier tone.

That was done somewhat on purpose, to show that the normal flow got interrupted by that sight: I wanted to write one way until that moment, then change the tone to create a pause in the narrator’s actions. Sadly, I didn’t do that good a job of it. :/

Thanks for the comment, by the way.