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Dear Jaclyn

Dear Jaclyn,

I appreciate you looking out for mine and my reindeer’s health this holiday season. I have to confess, however, that while some of the world is leaning towards green, we at the North Pole are not.

It’s cold up here. Really cold. Global warming was the best news we’d heard in years. The elves, upon hearing the news of the coming climate change, didn’t stop dancing or manufacturing floral t-shirts until nearly April.

Our toy making facilities up here have switched over to 100% fossil fuel powered operations. We aren’t hampered by any EPA or the like and have no regulations regarding greenhouse gas emissions.

All toys are being made from plastic with considerable waste emissions in the process.
The reindeer have been replaced by re-purposed jet engines that the Federal Aviation Administration deemed “inefficient”. The old ways of dropping toys under the trees after a shimmy down the chimney have been discontinued in favor of High Altitude Low Opening elf drop teams.

Merry Christmas.
Santa

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