Dear Granddaughter,

I wish I had followed your advice, I really do. I write you now from the luxurious gingerbread beds of the North Pole Elves of Mercy Hospital’s cardiac ward. It’s not a fun story, but I’ll try to keep it short.

I went to squeeze down a chimney in order to bring some Realness™ to the holiday season again. Although my arteries may be lubricated with cholesterol, my ass was not. I got stuck. I panicked. I had a heart attack. The chimney had to be removed in order to extricate me from the home. It was on Channel 8 Flashforward News. Very embarrassing. That field reporter’s camera man who felt it necessary to zoom in on my trapped buttocks isn’t getting anything this year.

Please come visit,
Santa.