This is the sequel I would like to be counted for the challenge. It took quite a few drafts before it was finished and I’m still not sure I’m happy with it so all constructive criticism is appreciated.

very well done, it leaves a lot to the imagination.

You did a great job maintaining the “Whedonesque” elements of the parent piece in your own. This girl is every bit as disturbing as she should be.

However, this fell apart a little bit on the technical side near the end. Sentences read oddly when you start them with a preposition. Also, whose hatred of her had transformed into an obsession? The reader is able to deduce that it’s the king’s, since Caleb is dying, but it forces the reader to stop and think about it. Also, obsession implies devotion, so that word is unnecessary. I would rephrase that sentence as such:

“The monarch’s hatred of her had transformed into an obsession; he would follow her to the ends of the earth if he were able.”

Lastly, in the end paragraph, “masters” should have an apostrophe.

You did a great job with this, but that one section is just a bit too distracting in it’s current state.

First off, the name is cheeky and made me smile.

Secondly, when I found out what the Off Switch WAS, it left me grinning.

Really liked this, will try to comment a little more tomorrow.

I know it is not what the challenge asked for, but I have no technical input for you.

I liked it. A lot.

It makes me want to hear what will happen next.

Okay I’ve done a little editing so hopefully this will clear up the confusion. I had meant that Caleb was the one who had become obsessed with the girl, not the king, and in realising his own change of feelings towards her it made him realise the girl’s true power. I think my edit has addressed this problem but if people are still confused please let me know.

@nagi the off switch is supposed to be Caleb’s death (maybe not very obvious) and the girl doesn’t say he must die ‘by’ his sword, only that he should die ‘with’ his sword. This is more of a Viking tradition though rather than a knightly tradition… I think, I could be wrong. It’s been a while since I’ve read a history book ;)

Anyway, thanks for the comments guys.

I did not see the earliest version, but I feel that this is a lively and appropriate sequel to nagi_schwarz’ original. It uses the best parts of it, and the description is nicely executed (that’s an assasin pun).

I did a sequel and hope you like it even though I can’t count it in the challenge because I’ve already sequelled. I did it because I really liked this – you rarely find such a well written knightly story!