So, first off:

DAMN YOU, thelostgirl, taking advantage of such a sweet story like that while I was on the bus and couldn’t type. Shame, you hear, shame on you.

Thankfully – you wrote such a great sequel to The On Switch that I don’t have to compete with your fun Whiteout prequel. That said, as it turns out I think you can read the sequel and prequel as being in the same universe, though it’s a little narratively confusing due to their construction.

I’d like to make this my sequel entry, by the way.

…really need to do something out of the present tense, actually… maybe future conditional…

hmm, do you even need mom in this?
and the keys to the cuffs? did he pickpocket the cop? that would be better. :)

I imagine there’s a cop car outside with the driver door ajar. You have a point about Mom, but I figured if anybody was following this up I’d give ’em a dialogue buddy for Kim.

Thanks for the comments by the way, Eisha.

What I love, in any piece, is seeing it written from a point-of-view that is unexpected.

It was a good idea having the girl sketching, and your description of her going about her art was lovely also.

nice job.

@ Reverend Speed MUWHAHAHAHA!

…ahem, so anyway, there isn’t much left to say really, it’s kind of all been covered. I basically agree with everything scratch says.

The little girl’s sketches are going to come in handy if the real cops ever turn up and need some accurate descriptions of the criminals ;)

That’s a particularly fulsome and well-practised evil laugh, thelostgirl. Nice one. Consider me intimidated.

Thanks for the comments, guys. Made a slight change to the second paragraph on Nagi’s advice. I loves advice, does I.

I’m itching to do sequels for this and The Vampire and the Monk 2 (http://ficly.com/stories/11729). Kim’s sketch pad was not introduced without reason, oh no.

I like this as a direct sequel to my piece. It kind of works with thelostgirl’s prequel, but I think it works better when the prequel is taken out of the timeline. I love the point of view of the little girl, and I can definitely see the foreshadowing with her drawing pictures of the perp.

As for recommendations, I would add the word “Her” to the very beginning. Starting with “Mom” makes it sound like you will be writing from inside the girl’s mind, but you use the third person omniscient perspective. It threw me for a little while.

I would also insert the word “got” so that another sentence reads, “If you’ve got the uniform down…” It’s implied the way you have it written, but it’s not as smooth as it could be.

Mentioning the pencil types gives this piece an excellent sense of authenticity. I loved that detail. Overall, I give this a high four.

Have done single combat with Ficly to bring you the words ‘Her’ and ‘got’. Great point on ‘Mom’, not entirely convinced on ‘got’ but we’ll see how it reads.

Glad you dug the piece. Not entirely sure where it’d go from here, but I have a pretty good idea what might happen with Kim. What happens if the cars won’t start outside? What if Beardy won’t let scuzzball just run now the customers have seen his face? Who are the other customers? Like I said, you set up a situation fairly bursting with tension. Nice one.

Obliged for the comments. =)

You’ve done good “people description”
I love your style but I do find it hard to follow sometimes. It’s always educating though – who needs school when you can have ficly.

Once again, I think you need to write down all of your thoughts on the story in your story because otherwise we cannot tell exactly what is going on.
If there is a cop car outside – tell us, we won’t guess.
(tiz over) =D

You did well on this and I agree with all positive comments above.
Merry Christmas,
Abby..X

Thank you.

I’m trying for a sparse style with fairly high plot content that relies a lot on implication and reader deduction. Not sure that I’m getting it right just yet.

Regards cop car, it’s mentioned twice(ish) in the prequel:

“There was just enough visibility between blasts of snow to allow Jane to see the patrol car pull into the lot.

As she refilled coffee, she watched an officer pull a man in handcuffs from the back and shove him toward the diner."

As it stands, I’m pretty happy to leave Beardy’s actions with the keys a little enigmatic, but I’ll keep your notes in mind for future reference.