Seems like a neat story idea with some potential, but it winds up hard to read due to three things: 1) all jammed into one paragraph—splitting up can help with readability. 2) lack of proper use of quotation marks which leads to some confusion. 3) You used chat-speak with the ‘u’ for ‘you’, which just doesn’t fly for even semi-serious writing. Keep working at it!
THX 0477