I enjoyed this piece, even though I don’t usually like horror. You did a nice job with the imagery, but there are a few minor grammatical issues that reduce the overall effect of your story. If you fix these, I think it will read a lot better.

1) The third sentence should have a semicolon, not a comma.

2) Don’t start the fourth sentence with a preposition. It should say something like, “She saw Mr. Vince…” If you want to keep the preposition, combine it with the previous sentence.

3) Doorway is one word.

4) The last sentence of the third paragraph should start, “The nurse was unfazed as to what had happened…”

Other than these small things, I think you did a good job. The only other thing I would suggest is to say how the nurse ended up on the ceiling. Use an action verb like “thrown” or “pulled” or “dragged” to help the reader visualize how she ended up there.

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Again, not normally a fan of horror, but something about a thing that would take advantage of that vulnerable old man is creepy… Kaellin18 got most of the grammar stuff, but just make sure there’s an apostrophe in your final ’it’s’, and in the fourth para, the nurse either felt ‘a rigid hand’ or ‘rigid hands’ not ‘a rigid hands’…

With those things cleared up, the pedantic among us will be able to focus better on the matter at hand – being scared! MH :)

It annoys me that three of the paragraphs start with “the.” If it’s deliberately then ignore me. You use “Mr Vince” quite a lot as well but that adds to the tension.

I don’t usually like horror either but you’ve done well. Just be careful about your grammar. Well done…
Abby X

I like this idea, but the above are correct: the grammatical errors detract a bit from the overall feeling. And the repetition of “the” and “Mr. Vince” detracted from the effect as well. But the idea is a strong one! Keep working on it!

I think it would read better if you said ‘Only to see’ rather than ‘To only see’.

Now that Abby and Horrfan have pointed it out an awful lot of your sentences begin with ‘the’, which gives the piece a stop start kind of feel rather than a nice flowing narrative.

This was a darkly gripping piece that reminds me of something but I’m not sure what. Well done :)

This story creeps me out, which is a definite credit to your writing. Seriously.

The only obvious roughness is with the phrasing/punctuation/something is awkward with the final:

‘“It’s so cold.” – “I can’t see anything.” -“Is any one there” – "Please help me, I’m trapped and I can’t seem to get out it’s awfully cold.’