For your first entry on the site, this is very well done! I absolutely loved the “1 2 3” for the knocking and the doorbell. For some reason that conveys the action better than any more verbose description ever could.

Some grammatical recommendations:

1) Punctuation goes inside quotation marks – so it should be “Yes,” and the next word shouldn’t be capitalized.

2) “Quite” needs to be fixed to “quiet.”

3) The repetition of the word “breath” is a little distracting. I would say something like, “He cursed softly.”

Other than that, I liked this story. It makes you wonder what he did that Wendy can recognize what it is just by looking at the expression on his face. It must have been either really bad or really good. I’m guessing the former.

Welcome to Ficly!

A decent attempt at the eternally tricky concept of internal dialogue, followed up with a very well written exchange of meaningful glances! Considering we’ve never met these characters before they are impressively well-formed, Peter in particular…

Kaellin18’s got all the technical stuff so no troubled there, but I would recommend italicising Peter’s thoughts at the beginning as it sets them up as definitely not being dialogue… Just a personal preference I suppose! Anyhoo, an interesting entry and a well-received new member… MH :)

great set-up of two characters it would be fun to get to know!

You’ve got a good dramatic flair.
The voices part was a little confusing for me, but I like the way you were going about moving the story. The entire bit between the two characters really makes the reader feel like something very important is happening.

Thank You.
Thanks, kaellinn18 . I’ll edit that.
I spelt quiet as quite. anyways.
Also, Thank you Mostly Harmless
ElshaHawk(LoA) and Wanda McGritty.

This is a very simple yet beautiful piece. I’m glad you told us exactly who the voices in Peter’s head are, it worked well knowing that they were people that mattered to him and not just random voices.

The ending was just lovely. I’m actually quite moved and yet I have no idea who these people are. I know nothing about them. I have no reason to care about them and yet, I do! You’ve made me care very deeply about your characters and that is a wonderful talent.
Welcome to Ficly.

I liked this:
It was very rhythmic and structured. The repetition of the numbers was quite tense and exciting.
You don’t have the names of the two characters but that makes it even more intriguing.
Even though you have only three words of speech, they are effective and deep and add quite a lot to it.

I think it’s quite amazing that you don’t describe the characters or name them or even give us more than a few words of their dialogue and yet you make us love them so much.

This is a fantastic first ficly and one to treasure methinks.

Careful with repetition – as a one off (one ficly) good! but don’t hold it as a theme.

Well done again…Abby
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