Hmm, the conversation didn’t really go where I expected, but it works. I would have thought White Seas to be involved in something with more far-reaching consequences than knocking down a few huts in Tanzania. I was thinking more along the lines of smuggling weapons to third world countries or aiding drug cartels or some such.

The story is well written, and the dialogue is good; I just think it would be better if it all hinged on something more important than an entertainment complex.

This is definitely getting there. First, and most minor, “you’re reputation” should be “your.”

The premise here could possibly work; I guess it depends on what companies are in this conglomerate. I would think it would be pretty hard to smuggle long ranger ballistic missiles, though. Those are pretty much the toys of large governments. Short range SAMs, rocket launchers, and other small arms would probably be more realistic.

By the end of all the edits, I should hope to be ‘pleasing people’!

Sounds like Harry’s up against the wall…

Grammatical nitpicking: I’d put more commas in here. For instance, “I don’t play with the big boys I sign the papers” would probably read better as “I don’t play with the big boys, I just sign the papers” or something similar.

Ooh, sucks to be him. Felt like a complete moment, even without me having read the prequel. Self-contained but also related to something larger. Nice job.