1. Do aliens really exist?

Of course! Shyamalan cast us in Signs, didn’t he? I thought Klarg’s performance, in particular, was spectacular.

2. What’s with the abductions?

Oh, man, are they still doing that? Well, back when I was in school, the upperclassmen would always get a group of freshman, get them wasted on Goldschläger, and then take them out in a saucer and make them abduct random people. I’m not sure who was more freaked out, you guys or the undergrads. Classic!

3. And the anal probes?

It was a lot of Goldschläger.

4. How come you don’t give us any of your cool technology?

Where do you think Apple gets their stuff? The iPhone? That’s all us, man. You’re welcome.

5. Are you going to attack Earth?

Absolutely. Independence Day was based off of an actual battle plan. Yeah, uploading a virus to our mothership with a Mac doesn’t seem so far-fetched now, does it? Of course, once we get that security hole patched, we’re going to obliterate you all.

Hahaha, I’m just messing with you.

Maybe.