Comments on Duck by OrangeOreos (LoA)

Mostly Harmless

You set your scene exquisitely, and really make us live this old guy, which makes the twist even more slightly sickeningly brilliant…!

I’m not sure what’s going on with that last line, it seems a bit out of place, like you’re trying to explain what you’ve hinted at – it takes away from it in my opinion.

But the rest is a really cracking read, execellently written. MH :)
- Posted almost 10 years ago.
- 4 out of 5
Browncoatben

I’m mostly with Mostly on this. However, my concern wasn’t with the somewhat comical last line, but with the opening.

“…the scene was set. It was a picturesque setting.”

That felt kind of redundant to me and I had a little trouble reading it.

However, I love the idea of the setting. The happy park with the old man and the kids and the ducks…

Then…the gun…so out of place. Yet in place. I dig that duality.
- Posted almost 10 years ago.
- 5 out of 5
THX 0477

Twisted, hilarious, and very satisfying. I’ve wondered at how ducks and geese would be such easy pickings if anyone got the idea into their head to kill them. I meant, you could use a slingshot and still probably bag a few! Fun story.
- Posted almost 10 years ago.
Andy G {L.O.E.M.A.T.T.L.O.A.}

great story, did not see the ending coming.
well done
Andy G
- Posted almost 10 years ago.
- 5 out of 5
Mr.Gabriel

I like the way this old guy thinks…
- Posted almost 10 years ago.
g²LaPianistaIrlandesa

And to think: I just wrote up a very sloppy excuse for a poem on ducks. Twisted as the end was I rather enjoyed this. My only two suggestions:
The bit “A bag of bread crumbs was pulled out of an ancient coat pocket”; I’m not sure if I like the passive voice here… perhaps something more like “a bag of bread crumbs emerged from an ancient coat pocket”? I dunno, if you that bit to be passive, that’s fine.

As far as the last line goes, I thought it’s fine with it, but it’s also alright without it. It leaves the reader in a bit more suspense without it, which would work here very well.

Good to see something from you again, mon amigo!
- Posted almost 10 years ago.
OrangeOreos (LoA)

Well, I’m glad my first attempt at writing in a long while wasn’t a total failure! Thanks for the advice, guys! I’ll see if I can fix this up a bit.
- Posted almost 10 years ago.
Radical Yellow Duck

You realize, of course, this means war.
- Posted almost 10 years ago.
- 5 out of 5
ElshaHawk (LoA)

hahahahaha! RYD!
orange, that was a sick twist.
- Posted almost 10 years ago.
- 5 out of 5
OrangeOreos (LoA)

Oh snap RYD! I swear, it wasn’t me! It was the other guy!
- Posted almost 10 years ago.